Tuesday, December 17, 2013

blondes have more fun?

the bling bling
of my ring
stung his eyes
to his surprise
he fell
under my spell
yet he lives to tell
a story of love
that’s more than enough
for anyone
blondes have more fun

anyway, back to the tale
he was in the county jail
no hopes for bail
he sat & thought
’bout life a lot
his kids & family
started feelin’ manly
wanted a change
there I was one day
to lift up his frown
he was always around
sprung on my style
fascinated by my smile
so we moved on in
& that’s where the happiness ends

blondes have more fun?
no not me-he was on the run
on the go
so, no
this blonde paid the tolls
paid the price
to live that life
but now I’m done
how do blondes have more fun?

it started with lies
where he was each night
stayin' out past midnight
while I made his kids mine
became a parent to two girls
changed my whole world
quit my job to stay
home & play
with everyone’s kids
that’s all I did
smokin’ the weed
givin’ into the greed
that surrounded me
inhaled the white
almost every night
never relaxed
he use to ask
why'd I throw up all night
"it’s the beer, alright?"
"I drank way too much"
he bought that stuff
he bought my lies
then charged me for the demise
of that love so sweet
by degrading me
callin’ me a whore
wonderin' if I loved him anymore
treating me as if I walked on fours
am I the same as our dog?
as dumb as a log?
his shit was thicker than fog
clouded my vision
with his evil mission
so the answer is NO, I’m done!
how do blondes have more fun?

his hate sunk in
now I’ll never win
this race
he left me with a bitter taste
one of sickness & pain
I’ll never be the same
my innocence?-stripped!
button my lips
shut & locked
my instincts?-blocked!
steal my breath
this is the end of beth
let the darkness suffocate
no reviving-it’s too late
I can see the gate
of Heaven, and I DESERVE IT!
for living thru it
hell on earth
am I the first
to lose my life in the game of love?

how do blondes have more fun?


...As I lay here, eyes still closed
I feel your breath on my lips
You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave…
You told them I was the one
I was distant & cold... how can I believe you?
But I put my head on your shoulder
As you pulled me closer…

Eyes open. I can’t see you
But I feel you laying here
I hear your heartbeat…feel your soul
My tears, they fall… And I want you to go
Take the memory of us when you leave
Take your scent with you too
Can’t bear to recall the feel of your chest
I can smell you as I dress
Every song I hear is ours

You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave...

Monday, December 16, 2013

what perk?

Today I read on Facebook that a guy I met online (and saw once) is engaged. Granted, we did not click in any way, nor was he even close to being my type... but really?!

My best friend of 13 years is also engaged. I am stoked for her, but she has spent our entire friendship trying to convince me that no one is meant to be monogamous. So... really?!

I have one sister who is twice married & divorced, another that is still married. I have friends that have been married two or more times! Really?!

I've never even been engaged. Hell I've never even had a relationship based on REAL love! Fuck, let's face it... I can't even get a DATE!!! Yet here all these people are... doing what I want to do. Getting what I want. Wearing pretty rings and shit.

Will it ever happen for me? Any of it?

Who's going to sit in a rocking chair with me and reminisce about how gas only cost us $3 per gallon 'back in the day'?
Who will push my wheelchair, comb my long grey hair, and trim my old toe nails? Who's gonna pick out my urn and tell stories about me? Won't I get the senior discount at the early bird special with my sweetheart? Won't I have the door held for me as I pass thru with my walker?

Won't I get any of those perks??

Will I ever have an anniversary? Certainly not a silver one.. or a gold. What about paper?

This is bullshit! This is a conspiracy, I just know it. I'm being Punked, right?!! Candid Camera?  The Twilight Zone??

I'm over this. Totally over it! So fuck it! I'm going to go put my hair in pigtails, dance around my house naked eating chocolate listening to Taylor Swift.

I suppose that's the perk of being single...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

some days, some times

some days I'm in a great mood
some times I can't fake it
it's better to spare the grief
than share my stupid belief
that my life sucks
'cuz it doesn't

some days my mind will run
& trip & fall & run again
some times it hurts
some days I let myself down
& put myself down, & frown
& scowl & whine
but some days, some times

I dream. I fly. I try.
I reach. I grin. I win.
& when I win & grin & reach
& try & fly, I dream!
& dreaming...
dreaming helps me get by
some days, some times

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Hello, forty something...

On this, the eve of my 41st birthday, I sit here with a smile on my face. I'm surprised at this. I was, after all, miserable all day long.

Why? I seemed to be taking this harder than when I turned 40. Turns out... that shit was a breeze!

I thought maybe it was because I am a getting older. But then I realized I am just getting better.

I thought that maybe it was because I have never been married nor have I given birth to a child. But then I noticed how free I am.

I thought that maybe it was because I do not have much more than I did last year at this time. But then I remembered everything I have accomplished.

I wrote 6 books. 4 of which I published and sold! I travelled to NYC, LA, Vegas, Nashville, Austin, Silverthorn CO, and Steamboat Springs. I worked my fucking ass off and got a promotion!

I gave love. I received love. I found out that I mattered to people. I found out that someone admires me. I lost 46 pounds! I started this blog. I planted flowers that bloomed all season.

I made new friends & reconnected with old ones. I laughed so hard I cried. I made others laugh too! I biked in Vail, Colorado. I hiked in the mountains with some of my favorite people in the entire world.

I explored myself and became a better person. I gave to charity. I forgave. I was forgiven. I smiled at strangers and helped the helpless.

So you see... I have no reason to be sad. Not one single reason.

I'm ready now.. Ready to embrace my day tomorrow.

Hello, forty-something! HELLO!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


i see you
i feel you
ready to fall
but i won't let you
i promise

Sunday, November 10, 2013


It's days like Today that bring reminders

of the distance I've travelled, what I've overcome, what I've begun.

It's days like Today where the who what and whys

no longer compromise the ability to follow my heart free of all ties.

It's days like Today where being exactly who I am is good enough.

It's days like Today that I feel nothing but love

for myself...

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Disney Effect

As young girls, we get an idea embedded deep within us that says we have to have the life of a fairy princess. Someone to rescue us, deliver us, fight, work, and yearn for us. You know, the "find your mate and procreate" idea. The big wedding, the new house, the 3 kids. You know.. "every girl's dream". But there are some of us that are totally not buying that shit. We know, for fact, that life is not that easily tied up into a bow with a side of cupcakes, flowers, and perfection. It just ain't the truth.

Take me, for instance. I have been single for 10 years. Ten (10) whole years. Okay, yes... there were men here and there but no one significant. I am going to turn 41 years old in less than a month. I have no children and live in a house by myself. But... I am perfectly happy. I have a sweet dog, super fun-tastic, amazing friends and family. I have a successful career, I make good money, and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Freedom. Independence.

So... why the hell do I have this nagging feeling that I need to have more, be more, want more? And I am not talking about the "more" that I really want more of. I'm talking "more" of what they want me to want. Okay so let's say I want to be a writer - full time, I'd like to have some romance in my life, I'd like to travel more.. blah blah blah. They want me to have kids, settle down, buy a house, & get married. Here is where my confusion sits: Who the fuck are "they"???

Tell me, someone.. anyone.. please. Who are "they"? "They" ain't my friends, my family. Not my co-workers, business acquaintances, neighbors. It's not me, either... so who the heck are these unseen forces putting this pressure on me? Good question, huh?

Maybe it is Walt Disney's fault. All those stories of true love, forever love. The ride-off-into-the-sunset love. No one knows what happened after that ride. Did Snow White really live happily ever after with the prince? Did they have kids? Did they settle down in a big, new castle forever and ever? They never once fought? Never even a slight disagreement? They had crazy good sex, all the money in the world, and only had eyes for each other? Forever?? And ever???

SMU (Sounds Made Up)

I am soooo rolling my eyes right now. I am just exhausted from the pressure. No, wait...I am exhausted from trying to find the root of the so-called pressure from the unseen world...the son of a bitch that implanted that seed in my brain that I have to find a charming rescuer and live ever-after with in a perfect lil bubble of joy and butterflies. That I must be this certain mold of a certain proto-typed princess that lives behind a white picket fence because it's time.. Time.

That seed... that planted seed is evil! It's counter-productive and idiotic! There is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT being married. NOT having the lil family and soccer fields, and PTA meetings and anniversaries, and family vacations. There is nothing wrong with being single, and happy and free. Free to laugh and play and make choices and try new things.

So guess what! "They" don't matter to me anymore. "They" don't even exist! And guess what else! I am perfectly imperfect in every way, and I am okay, OKAY? I am single, childless, successful, happy, loved, and admired. I'm a sister. A lover. A joker. A leader. A friend. A blank slate with infinite room for the things that I want. I... Me.

"They" can go fuck themselves. :)

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Lessons in Love

I've heard it said that you should be careful what you wish for. That when wanting something you should be specific. I am inclined to agree with that statement.

I started wearing a rose quartz around my neck with the intent that it was going to bring me the love that I've been looking for. I'm 40, you know... and single. (And kind of over it). I wore it and basically willed it to bring me love. This rose quartz will bring me love; I repeated over, and over. I touched it all day long thinking love love love.. I wore it in my sleep, love love love. Every time someone asked me what it was I'd say it's my love attractor! I wore it for months. All day. All night. Love love love... I do believe that it worked but as it turns out, I should have been more specific about that word love. That funny little word!

I received a message on my dating profile from a man named William. Before I even read it I checked out his profile. This is the norm for me. I look at the pictures, read their self-descriptions, then I decide whether to reply or not. I cannot remember what his profile even said, and the pictures must have been acceptable because I answered him back. By the end of the day we had exchanged several emails and started texting. He called me the next morning at 7 am. He called me 11 more times before 4pm. True story. 12 times in 9 hours. Some I picked up, others I ignored. In between these calls & convos he was sending texts. I've done the internet dating thing for a while now. Too long, really. I know things. Those things must have been in deep disguise because none of this sent up the red flag.

On the 12th call he asked to meet me. Truth is, I already had dinner plans with a guy from the same dating site. I had been out with him a few times before, so I cancelled and agreed to meet William. I've never done that. Ever. You would have thought that he just won the lottery or found out his favorite band was going to take him on tour. I am not kidding you when I say that I have never (ever) in my life heard anyone THAT excited. And come on.. I am pretty freakin' awesome, but this was over the top! He called to ask me what I would be wearing; casual? Dressy? He called me to confirm the time; 6:30. He called me to tell me he was on his way; 30 minutes, tops. He called to say he was close; about 5 miles from the destination.

The destination was the local Kohl's parking lot. No, I do not make a habit out of meeting people in parking lots (it has never worked out for me), but this seemed like a decent compromise considering his first suggestion was to pick me up from my home. He is old fashioned like that. It's what he really wanted to do. I politely declined, making that the best decision I had made all day. He insisted on driving so I agreed. (Compromise, right?) It would be easy to find him, he said. After all, he had a big truck. That's what he called it. A. Big. Truck. No problem, I thought... I am nearly 6 ft tall. Big shmig!

I am not nervous at all as I pull out of my driveway. I take the 2 mile trek down to Kohl's kind of excited that I am going to meet someone new. Hey, he was giddy as hell about meeting me. This could be fun! Okay... now to look for his truck. He said I couldn't miss it. I stop at the intersection across the street from Kohl's and my attention is immediately drawn to the edge of the parking lot.

That's when I saw it. Yes, from across the 4 lane highway, through the traffic and landscaping. I see it. Big shmig? BIG SHMIG!?!? This was not a big truck! This was an enormous 10 ft monster from planet Holy Shit This Thing Is Huge!!! The closer I got the bigger it got. The bigger it got, the faster my heart raced. The faster my heart raced, the more I laughed. My jaw is in my lap, my eyes are budging out of my face and I am giggling so hard that I can barely breathe. I stop a few spaces away. What the..?? How am I ever going to get up in that thing????

Anxiety sets in as I look down at my clothes. Great. I am in a jean skirt. How am I going to pull this off? I don't see any steps. Do I need to park my car close and use the bumper? Should I just offer to drive? Should I follow him instead? Should I turn around and go home? All of those questions were immediately muted by who walked around the beast. What the hell is going on?? Is that.. no, it can't be.. Hey! Who the fuck is THIS?!

Now, I am not an overly critical person. I have many flaws and fully realize that everyone is special and beautiful in their own way. But this... this right here is just messed up! William must have done a "Throw-back Thursday" on his profile because the man that was walking towards me with open arms and excitement in his eyes was NOT the man in those pictures! I cringed as he hugged me then pulled away to assess the situation.

Let's see... dirty jeans. Awesome. Wrinkled t-shirt. Super. Neon earring. NEON EARRING?? Slicked back hair.. shaved sides... A mohawk? Wait, that slicked back hair is... long. Como say whaaaaat?? Is that a mullet? A mowhawk-mullet?! What the fuck is this, Sha-Na-Na the Revival?!?!?

Okay bethany... deep heavy sigh. What are you going to do? Are you going to run for your life? Get back in your car, close your eyes and tap your heels?? Or are you going to be polite and figure out a way to get your ass up in Godzilla's twin brother? How bad could it be? It's just a few hours. You can do this...can't you? I didn't want to make a scene or hurt his feelings so I decide to go with the flow and turn to him for answers. I say that it is obvious that I am not going to be able to get up there. He offers a boost. I laugh in his face. I am wearing a skirt; he does not need to be all up in my business! I ask for a ladder. He doesn't have one. He points to the "step". Step? You call that a step?? That is NOT a step! That is a piece of metal half the size of my foot. Oh, and it's 4 feet off the ground! 4 feet, a jean skirt, a mountain of regret and Lenny & Squiggy's long lost cousin. F.M.L.

He stands beside me insisting he can help me. I insist that I try by myself first. I fail. Rolling my eyes I turn to him and say ..."Fine.. okay.. help me." The boost actually did help. I was up there in no time... but then so was he! (?!) He was hovering over me as I sat in the seat. Close enough to feel his breath on my face. Blech! He wants to help me fasten my seat belt. I can do it...Oh I see... it's not a seat-belt, seat-belt. It's a harness... So when he said "fasten", he meant "strap." One arm under, the other arm under. Buckle on my chest, buckle on my lap. Tight buckles, by the way. I'm pretty sure I could have done this myself.. I'm pretty sure he brushed his hand on my boob purposely. I'm pretty sure that I am now strapped into this seat with zero chance of escape. I can't even sit up straight. Hannibal Bethany Lector, at your service!

He hops down, and jumps in the driver's seat. He starts the bad boy up and it rumbles like thunder. Tropical thunder. The serious kind... Is there not a muffler on this thing? Is there a motorcycle gang underneath us? The whole truck is throttling and bouncing but the only thing moving on me was my hair. Now I know the importance of the harness. All of a sudden I start coughing from fumes. Omg I may die in here! I turn to him and blurt out, "Dude, seriously! You cannot tell me that you take people places in this truck!" He claimed he did.

He turns to me and asks if I like Nine Inch Nails. I say yes so he blasts his stereo. When I say blast I mean sub-woofers behind the seats and 2 amplifiers! TWO! For a moment I thought I was actually at a Nine Inch Nails concert. I can't even hear myself breathe at this point. And I most definitely cannot hear him as he starts asking me questions. I reach over and turn the music down and tell him that if he wants to talk he's going to have to do it louder. (Or shut the fuck up.) I direct him to our destination, we park, and he passes me a bowl. Oh good... he is going to get me high. I need to be high right now. We smoke then decide to go in.

We ask the hostess for a table on the patio and while we wait we sit at the bar. William was touchy feely. I sat as still as I could. I tried to move away a little but he just moved closer. Finally our table is ready so we go to the patio. We are seated at a 4-top... a perfectly square table. I choose one of the seats. He does not. He chooses to move a chair from one of the other spots over into MY space to sit right next to me. The touching commences. He plays with my hair, touches my shoulder. I sit as stoic as a statue. My arms are crossed and I cannot even make eye contact with him. It's the hair. It's the fucking mul-hawk, neon earring, and grey teeth that's preventing eye to eye contact. My body language is screaming "leave me the fuck alone!" It becomes apparent that he does not read body language that well. The waitress notices, as does every other patron on the patio. William is 100% clueless. Ugh! I consider "going to the bathroom" and calling a cab to come scoop me up. I consider pulling the waitress aside and asking for her assistance. She already feels bad for me. She gave me the pity look. She can sense my total discomfort. She would surely help...

Instead, I start downing beer after beer to keep my hands and mouth busy. I don't want to talk. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to do anything at this point except run... fast! He asks me to look at him so he can see my eyes. He loves my eyes. They are soooo beautiful, he says. He tries kissing me on the lips. I turn my face and he gets my cheek. A few moments later he tries again, and fails. My cheek is as pissed as me at this point. Just how many times is this man going to try and fail?! Can't he catch my hint? I do NOT want his mouth anywhere near me, shit! All of a sudden he grabs my chin and pulls my face to his making direct contact with our mouths. I pull back immediately, shake my finger at him and say, "Uh-uh, honey. I am not into public displays of affection!"

He sits back, clearly offended. He starts spouting off... "Why not?! I don't see the big deal. I mean if I am with you and you are with me, then who cares what other people think?!" I say, "I do!" He says, "I don't, it's part of being with someone. What others think does not matter." I reply with, "Yeah... no. Still not into it." He slumps back into his seat and starts to pout. Sitting up again he says, "Well I am a very affectionate man and I was just trying to be myself." For the first time I look directly at him and say, "That's good. I want you to be yourself, of course! Just be YOURself to YOURself and leave MYself out of it! I am not into it, I never will be, so.... yeah."

He mumbles something that I cannot hear and I finish my beer then tell him I need to go. He reluctantly asks for the check and we leave. I had never been so excited to go home in my whole life. I practically run to his truck not even concerned about how I am going to get back up in the stupid thing. He manages to get in front of me, I assumed he was going to open the door for me. I was wrong. William comes at me, wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me within an inch of his face. He stands there holding me captive for a few moments while he tells me what a great time he had and how gorgeous I am. Then it happens... the lips come at me in slow motion. I arch my back as much as I can to avoid this to no avail. He makes contact. Our lips are touching and he is shoving his tongue in my mouth. A few seconds later I rip myself out of his killer grip and tell him it's time to go.

Gag reflexes at an all time high, I am back up in the beast being strapped in for the ride home. I can tell he is irritated by the way he is driving. He is running up on the ass of the car ahead of us and I call him a douche bag. He chuckles a little but but does not stop. We arrive at Kohl's and before the truck is at a complete stop, I am unstrapped and half way out. I jump down and walk quickly towards my car. He jumps down and follows me. He tells me again what an amazing time he had. (Um were we on the same date?!)

I take one more step towards my car and he once again jumps in front grabbing me around my waist. Oh fuck no! Not this... AGAIN?! Here come the lips... closer closer closer. I arch arch arch... Contact made. Tongue in mouth, the whole thing. The worse fucking de-je-vu I have EVER had!! This time I give him half the seconds of the first one before I push off and hop into my car. He lingers at my window.. I crack it and say thanks for the beers. He begs to see me again. I say bye bye and take off.

Sigh... I have escaped! Omg I am FREE!! I make my way through the lot to the exit and my phone starts ringing. It's him! What?! I am not even out of this lot! I just left the fool... and he is calling already? I ignore it. He calls back again.. ignored. What could he possibly want?? He calls a third time, and a fourth. He leaves a voice mail. He calls a 5th and a 6th time. I get a text. I get another text. And another... and another. Then I get a 7th call! 7 calls in less than 30 minutes??? Ignored! Now this is just getting creepy! Stalk much? I race home to hide, making sure he did not follow me.

I read the texts... "Hey I want to tell you what a great time I had. Call me." "I want to say goodnight! Call ME!" "(frown face)" "Call me!" When I am home and safe I listen to the voice mail. He is pissed! He demands that I call him immediately! He wants to say goodnight! Dammit! CALL ME!

Ahhhhhhhh!!!  I am 100% creeped the fuck out! Is he going to come look for me? Is he ever going to stop calling/texting? Can't he take the overly-obvious hint that I am NOT interested?! Am I in the Twilight Zone? If Superman exists, can he take me far far away? Calgon? Anyone??? I heard from William five more times over a 3 day period. I never replied. I suppose I could have just told him I was not interested but I was afraid to engage him in any way. I mean.. clearly he had issues.

I took that fucking rose quartz necklace off and hid it in my dresser drawer. I learned a valuable lesson this time. The lesson isn't: be careful what you ask for. The lesson isn't: if you ask for something, you just may get it. The lesson is: Be clear about what you ask for because you ARE going to get it.. whether you like it or not. Just remember to be specific!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


how can I be the real me

when everyone expects me to be

the "me"

that they want to see?

why do I have to fake the smile?

why do I have to go the extra mile?

are they afraid I'll let them down?

sorry to disappoint

but I am sure you would see my point

if you were me..

the "me"

that just wants to be


Monday, October 21, 2013

the mind f*ck

When I was a little girl my older sister told me I was disgusting. She loathed the site of me.. my general presence irked her soul. These are my first memories. Not a special Christmas, not a favorite toy. No.... It's the nasty eyes and tortured moments she delivered to me every day. And so I felt hated, unwanted, and of course... disgusting. I entered this earth as a disregard. A flaw in the diamond of life.

At age 16 I almost got raped on the living room floor of my home by a guy I had met at the mall. The following Monday he walked into one of my classes at school. I ran out of the room and hid in the bathroom. No one ever came looking for me. I never showed up to that class again and no one noticed. I was invisible, finally.

When I was 17 I lost my virginity to a gang member while his 3 friends watched from the doorway. They laughed and snickered and teased. What did I care? It's not like I mattered.

My boyfriend started roughing me up when I was 19. We fought non-stop. I was back-handed, choked, kicked, shoved, thrown. Bruised faces, fat lips. He was a liar, a cheater. I miscarried his baby and he was nowhere to be found. He was a thief, a criminal. But no one else wanted me around. At least I had someone.

In my early 20's I whored myself out to anyone who would have me. I never got off, I never felt satisfied.. that is until they got off; when they got off it meant that I was worthy of attention and affection. Performing sexual acts was the only thing I had going for me. I was finally good for something... wasn't I?

The next stage of my life combined every scenario above; mixed in with the sick need for any type of attention, low self esteem, & the desire to matter (no matter what)... and played it on repeat. A broken record. My boyfriend never called me by name. I was "whore." He laughed at me, shamed me, and told me I was worthless. He thought I was disgusting. He told me I didn't matter. He used my limp body for pleasure and got off every time.

Now here I was...walking this earth believing all of the things I have heard & thought about myself. Worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted. Un-lovable, invisible, disgusting. Then I found out that none of it is true.

The self loathing, desperate, hateful thoughts that I was convinced were reality are not really...reality?!? What?! Are you seriously telling me that not one of those thousands of negative words and thoughts were true?? Not even one?! It was all a lie?

Look at all the time I've wasted. Decades of life wasted on a lie. On a belief that someone made up and attached my name to. It's not fair. It's fucking not fair. It's not fair that I suffered so hard for so long. It's miserable, ya know, to hate yourself. Let me just be clear here. It sucks! It sucks to get sucked into some one's terrible opinion about you. Do you hear what I am saying? Can you see the path? Born into an ugly reality that some stupid bratty kid created. Living in a daze taking hit after hit. Aching for something better but spiraling through the days still trapped by the lie.

The lie. I feel betrayed. I feel bitter. I am fucking pissed. What the hell am I going to do now? If everything I have "known" was a lie, then what's the truth?

Does this mean it gets to be whatever I want the truth to be.. for me?


Tuesday, October 15, 2013


 I was damaged once. (Only once..?) A man broke me down mentally and emotionally. It sucked. No doubt, it really did. I tried to date right after that and it didn't work. How could I reach out with open arms to another person when I was so broken? When my hands, arms, and general aura were holding so much baggage? I still tried.. not realizing that it was not someone else's job to help me unpack. Not even realizing that I was dwelling on the past.

Here's the sitch... (situation)
Fresh out of a nasty breakup after 8 years of a nasty relationship I met a man. He was polite, nice, handsome, sexy, and into me. He was affectionate and romantic.... and I couldn't stand it! Where's the drama I was used to? The challenge? How was I going to fulfill my sick need for abuse with a man that was so attentive and kind? I recoiled at his touch. I wriggled out of his arms. I wouldn't (couldn't) even hold his hand. To me, this was no big deal. To him it was a deal-breaker. It's just... I wasn't used to positive attention. I was not accustomed to affection in any manner that did not involve a panting, sweaty man humping me while I wished I was anywhere but underneath him. (Yuck, huh?) Hell I didn't even know men had the capability to be NICE! Sigh...

He told me in no uncertain terms that it was unfair of me to make HIM pay for my ex's mistakes. At first I was defensive, but shortly after, his words started to make sense. He was right. It was unfair! I had no business asking someone to help me carry my suitcases full of lies, hurt, abuse, neglect. So I stopped dating. I took time off and worked on healing myself. (It worked, by the way. I grew. I learned. I changed. And I never forgot his words.)

Here I am now.. a complete person. A whole person. (For the first time in my life.) Yet every man I've met since has assumed I would help carry their crap. And there was a lot of it! One was afraid to commit because his last girlfriend got pregnant with another man's baby. He trusted no one. One didn't like that I giggled so much because he assumed I was laughing at him. (I can only assume he had a small penis or something to make that girl laugh at him..?) One believed nothing of what I said. One replied to every compliment I paid him with a roll of the eyes and a "yeah right." Basically.. it's not cool. It's not fun. As a matter of fact it is THE most unappealing, unattractive thing in the whole entire world. (Next to scummy teeth, stinky pits, and bad kissers.)

Now that I am on the "other side" of things, I feel bad for that one guy who had to dump me because I expected him to work in my suitcase-making factory. Now I feel like I need to let people know that they should not do this. Don't jump from one relationship to the next to the next dragging around all your shit!

The reality is: No one has time to help you unpack/unwind/move on. You gotta do it yourself. Why would you move into a mansion only to fill it with furniture from your trailer? Do you get my point here? Spread the word, okay? The damaged people walking the earth need to know this.

So before you try dating someone new... before you post that dating profile... before you start asking for extra hands... PLEASE take time. Heal. And please, please check your bags at the door...

I'm pretty sure the bellhop is off duty! (At least this one is...Sorry boys!)

Monday, September 30, 2013

it's not you, it's me

The moment you start to get what you want; the things you have hoped for, wished for, worked for... the very things you dream about, think about.. write about, is the same moment that you question if it is all something that you really want. What? That makes no sense.

How fucked up is that?! Literally hours.. days on end... hoping, wishing for that thing that is bound to make your life complete. You obsess about it, dream about it, think about it, write about it, talk about it.

Self sabotage is a mutha! Why do you do this to yourself? You cannot sit here and read this and not agree with me! It's just not possible. You have some sick, distorted doubts in your mind that the things you want, the things you hope for and wish for and think about and dream about, are not really capable of being held... Not by you. You are an idiot.

Okay sorry I called you an idiot. It's just.. the truth. The truth hurts.. So does getting exactly what you have thought about, dreamt about, worked for, wished for, & hoped for and then turning your back on it out of fear. How will you ever grow? How will you ever change? Succeed? Win? Ever...?

Seriously.. get your shit together.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013


just the facts, okay? I do not want to be lied to.
and if I say I do not want to be lied to
then I suppose that means I cannot lie to you.
it's not like I want to
but I can't show you all my cards, can I? what if I did? what if I told you my inner most thoughts.. without holding back.
could you handle that?

can you walk into my deep, dark places
where I don't recognize faces?
that place I can't avoid
when I'm paranoid
where I self destruct
and my cover-ups self-corrupt?

I need to tell you the truth, I do.
because I do not want to be lied to
and I suppose that means I cannot lie to you.

so I won't.


Monday, September 9, 2013

your life, their entertainment

You know what's funny about internet dating? Everything. Every damn thing is funny. Profiles are funny, pictures are funny.. and people. These people have lost their freakin' minds. It has become like a made for TV movie that we star in... for free.

The internet dating world is at its maximum capacity for harboring relationship refugees. The members are like zombies, moving from one victim to the next leaving regrets, destruction, and mangled hearts. Everyone is just the mask they wear... Normalcy does not exist here.

Fat people put up face shots taken at an angle, in the dark... with a filter. Fish face, close up smile...eyes only. Pictures of pets, and senior high school portraits.
Lonely people use exclamation points after everything. "I'm loving life! I love football! I hike on the weekends! I'll make you laugh!" "I'm so lonely!" "I have 10 cats!"

The desperate talk about their never ending search for 'the one'. How they love with everything they have from head to toe and will treat you like royalty if you just give them a chance... just a chance. Just one...
Players post half naked pictures of themselves with members of the opposite sex. There is always some caption about a best friend or relative... blah blah blah

Rejected people stalk, introverts don't show up, and extroverts serial date.
The religious want to pray for you, the creepy ones want to meet you in parking lots, and the "busy" ones (aka married)?! They never pick up your call, only answer back over text, and won't meet you anywhere.

Women will bitch til you're hitched and men fuck and duck.

What a confusing hot mess! What a ridiculous, perverted, form of entertainment.

I bet the person who created internet dating is sitting somewhere laughing his ass off.


Friday, September 6, 2013

Manifestation: The Beginning

I started reading a book about manifestation last week. The basic principle is accepting that you have the power to have whatever you want.

Now, I believe this. I've done it on and off for many years. When I am "on" I am ON! I've manifested people, money, lotion for my feet... The hard part is stopping myself from thinking negatively. I am not joking when I tell you that my mind throws thousands of thoughts my way every hour; even while dreaming. 80% of these thousands of thoughts are negative!

"I'm fat. I'm ugly. No one loves me. I don't deserve good things. My hair is terrible. I feel bloated. I have no friends. I'm lonely." (Seriously I could go on but I think you get the point.) I have been successful at blocking or at least stopping these thoughts for the past 24 hours. It is hard! But every time those thoughts started forming I said to myself, "You are loved. You are love able. You are a writer. You no longer have to work for a business because you ARE your business. You are talented and amazing and fun!" (Again, I could go on but I think you get the point.)

So here I was... feeling like fucking Wonder Woman because I was using my super powers and shiny bracelets to block each bad thought. It feels good! I literally feel like I am on fire, figuratively of course. 

The book....The writer is funny, honest, and easy to follow. I was captivated at the first sentence! A few chapters in, she told me to think of a color of car, concentrate on it, then watch how many of them I see. Can I be honest with you? I laughed. A giggle really, but nevertheless.. a scoff/laugh... However, I was determined to give it a try. So I did. Operation red car in full effect.

Can you imagine the look on my face when I pulled onto the highway and got cut off by a red car?! Can you imagine the feeling when 1-5 in every 10 cars were fucking red?! I saw types of red vehicles that I have never even seen before. And I've been alive a long time! I saw an antique fire truck (huh?!), vans, semi's, pick up trucks, delivery trucks. I. Shit. You. Not.

I was freakin' stoked that the experiment worked! Part two of it was to think of butterflies. Butterflies. It's September here in Colorado. I have not seen one in months. But I still thought of them. All day long. I even wore a butterfly ring! What did I expect really.. I mean I am inside all day. Of course I am not going to see one. After work I stopped at a place where the Universe would have half a chance to produce this damn butterfly! The spot happened to be my step father's grave. I had been there once before; to sit, look at the mountain and think of him...the impressions he left on my mother, sister, & nephew. I mean this man was amazing! I stopped because I figured I'd pay my respects and try to see the butterfly. It was, after all, directly on my way home. Two birds with one stone, right?

I sat on the bench/marker and said out loud, "Okay, Universe! This is your chance! I am in a place where I can see a butterfly! Do your thing!"

Nothing happened for a good ten minutes. I kept sitting there thinking.. come on... COME ON! You can do it. Send me a butterfly. Prove to me the theory that thoughts become things! A dragonfly danced by. It did circles around the graveyard, and I sat there in awe. I mean yes, it was not an actual butterfly, but it was close. And I happen to love dragonflies more! I watched it until it flew out of site. I was admittedly disappointed a little bit. I really wanted the butterfly. I mean that would prove that all of this is true! That is what I thought about ALL day! Sigh...

I started walking to my car with my head down and noticed a grave stone a few feet away. Sitting on the back of the grave (yes the back) was a plastic butterfly decoration! I almost passed out!! The feeling that came over my body can only be described as electric. I tingled from head to toe staring at that butterfly with my mouth hanging open. Are you fucking kidding me right now? I even looked around for other people thinking I was being punked. There was no one around.

I ran to my car to get my phone to take a picture of it. I sent it to my mother and sister describing what just happened. I could barely type.. I was shaking. This was insane!! They were both blown away then my mother tells me that she, too, had asked the Universe for a sign of it's power. Again, head to toe chills. Was this it? I can say that yes, yes it was. Do you know what day it was? It was the day that would have been their 20 year anniversary. (Just so you know, I did not know this piece of information. I had no idea when her anniversary was.)

This morning I woke up still fascinated and awe-struck at the past few days. I used my Wonder Woman antics all morning. I was trying my best to radiate love. I envisioned it floating all around me and everyone that entered my mind in the form of hearts. I even wore a shirt with hearts all over it! (Yes I own butterfly rings and heart patterned shirts. I also have a clock purse but that is another story.) Love love love I kept thinking... Love. I am lovable. I am loved. You get love, you get love. Everyone gets love. LOVE!

I was taking the trash out when I got home and said hello to my neighbor Allison. We have lived next to each other for over 5 years. During this time I was under the impression that she hated me. Me and my dog Jada. You see, Jada is outside all day long and she gets riled up running along the fence. Allison's dogs are on the other side of that fence barking and running too. Allison is a stay at home mom with 2 small kids. I was sure she hated us, the noise!

I have said maybe 20 words to her in 5 years. Only random hello's and impersonal how are you's... Most of the time we completely ignore each other. But tonight... Tonight she started a conversation with me by asking if Jada got along with other dogs. Stunned at her voice, I told her judging by the way she is on the fence, I highly doubt it. But I wish she was.. hell I just wish I knew for sure. Jada can get feisty. This dog caught a bat mid-air once! But the truth is, Jada is a super gentle dog. I rescued her from the humane society a few years ago. She is a total love-bug!

She said she asked because she wanted to see if her dogs could play with Jada. She wanted them to meet because she thinks that Jada looks like such a nice dog. (Como say whaaaaaat?!) Can you believe it?! Anyway.. We chatted it up for a while and I accepted her invitation. I told her that she is welcome to come into my yard if Jada ever acts up. She invited me over with the other neighbors for drinks later. So cool. So so cool. The ice was broken. Instant thaw.

All I can think now (besides love love love) is... what is next?! What can I do now?! What I really want to do is quit my job and be a writer!

I can tell you this: I am not done with my manifesting. Not by a long shot! So I registered a trade name with the Colorado Secretary of State to sell my books under. Books that are not even on paper yet. Books that I have on my computer, in my mind.. in my heart. I have so much to say and so many ideas.
I posted the official document on my fridge. There is a check to myself from myself taped to it for a million dollars. The memo line says "Pocket change".    (I got it like that in 2014! Hello!)

Some may say that this sounds made up. Some may think that I am crazy.

But you see.. they didn't get cut off by that red car... they didn't see that butterfly. And they certainly don't have these shiny bracelets...

Thursday, August 29, 2013

A Survivor

A Survivor

What’s it going to take to survive this Survivor mode?
After all...
I can relax now
Enjoy now
Breathe now
I’m okay now
Its over
The trauma
The drama
The worst is in the past
It is.
I’ve endured
I've conquered
I've overcome
To become
A Survivor.
Try to stop trying to survive
What I have already survived
That which has made me what I am

A Survivor

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

fill in the blank

I get to have...

I get to have
to stake my claim
on dreams & wishes... and fucking fairy dust
if I want

I get to have
tender hands on my body
unconditional intimacy
& abilities
to be
the best...even if it's just the best
of me

I get to have
acceptance for my flaws
admiration for my mind
& an unmatched love
for the rest of my life

I get to have...

Friday, August 9, 2013


because i miss you

there's a missing link

and never did i think

it sends me to the brink

because you broke your promise

you don't know what love is

you erased me from the list

you don't know what love is

because you broke your promise

it sends me to the brink

and never did i think

there's a missing link

because i miss you

Sunday, July 28, 2013

the Numb

I'm here now in the Numb
the journey's begun
this is where I run
when I don't know what to do
if only I could stay
so it never goes away
the Numb
it's so quiet here
in the empty mirror
no reflection, no mockery
this is the only place that
works for me
the Numb

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


under the purple haze caused by the blaze
of a b
a great place to achieve
wild dreams
and endless streams
of pleasure
beyond any measure

Thursday, July 11, 2013

he used to say...

He used to say that he loved to kiss me because my lips were full… luscious… thick
He used to say that there was no one in the world that felt like I did, inside, and well….
He used to say I was deep & soft. Everywhere. Yeah, everywhere… but
He used to say that the lips I spoke with were amazing on their own.
He used to savor the taste of me.

He used to say that staring into my eyes was heaven on earth. That at a mere glance he was hypnotized-lost at sea-in my eyes-lighter than the blue that colors the sky
He used to say that he memorized the curve of my cheeks by watching me sleep under the moon’s pale light

He used to say that having me bare was beautiful. That no material could compare to my skin… that being lost in the soft-ness of me was the only place worth being
He use to say "I love you" "I LOVE YOU" "you’re perfect" "come closer" "you’re mine to hold forever" "no one can love you better"

He used to say that he spent his day thinking of me. All day. Every second.
He used to say I was the most precious gift he had over received, and…
He used to say that he was blessed to know me… beth. Inside and out

He used to say I was the beat in his heart. That without me, he wouldn’t know what he would do-like his heart would actually stop beating or something….
He used to say my laugh made his day.
He used to say
"I love you"


he did say those things...

Sunday, July 7, 2013


Do you believe? I do. I have proof.
The proof is my own set of retributions.

I've been using the internet as a way to meet people for a decade. During this time I have talked to hundreds of people. Hundreds! I have failed every single time. I've even failed when I swore that I was not. Michael Jordan said that he shot hoops over and over and over until he started truly scoring. I feel like I am the MJ of the dating world. Minus the high score.

There is one common denominator in my struggles. Me. And while I would love to sit here and say that it cannot possibly be me.. I cannot. As it turns out, I am drowning in the behaviors that I hate the most.

If I don't like a person or am not feeling a connection I cut off all contact; they never hear from me again. Even if/when they repeatedly call, email, text, etc. I never have given this personality flaw a second look until the Universe literally beat me over the head with it. This entire time I have wondered what it is that makes men talk to me, hang out, seemingly have a good time only to never speak to me again. I've chalked it up to it being not meant to be. I've taken every rejection like a champ... until today. Today I went out off the deep end and went crazy on a man who was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I started talking to Eric on a Monday. By Wednesday night we had chatted on the phone, exchanged texts, and sent emails. We got along just fine. I met him at a pool hall and hung out with him and his friends. It was a little awkward at first, but after a while the 4 of us were laughing and having a fun time. At the end of the night Eric kissed me goodbye and then made sure I got home okay. The kiss was not good as there was little or no chemistry. I knew this. I also knew that he was a 42 year old father who lived with his parents! Overlooking all of that, I still figured we would be friendly. Thursday he reached out to me about 5 times throughout the day.. what was I doing, how was my day blah blah blah. On Friday morning I sent an email. I got no response. Friday night I sent a text. No response.

Now, I am not, nor have I ever been the type of girl that continuously tries to contact someone that is obviously not into me. But this situation was it! I was so fucking sick of men doing this to me that on Sunday morning I decided to send him another email. I wanted answers god dammit! I wanted to know why the fuck he was not extending the common courtesy of telling me he was not interested. Being ignored is the worst fucking thing in the world! How dare he?! Why was someone doing this to me AGAIN!? I was all hyped up! I typed with a fury! I called him out on his shit and demanded that he speak his truth, man up, and fucking SAY THE WORDS: I am not interested in you.

I took all of my rage for every man that has ever dissed me and laid it on Eric. He received all the manic, pissy, accusing energy I could muster. And it was a lot! And he answered me. I was not expecting the reply to be so... mean. I'm not sure what I thought.. maybe that he would apologize? Jokes on me...He basically called me crazy and creepy to which I replied that he was the creepy coward who was a total loser. Now there is a man out there who at this very moment thinks I am a complete basket case. Those thoughts would be correct. What the hell was I thinking?!

He was not who I was really mad at. None of this was his fault. I am smart enough to know that sometimes people just don't click. Yet here I sit... embarrassed shaking my head at it all now that I realize I am the cause of this effect. He did to me what I have done to at least 10 men in the past 6 weeks! Yes. True story. This very behavior that I loathe so much in a man is a direct result of my own stupid actions. The Universe finally got through to me. This was a hard lesson to learn. It's hard to face, it's hard to admit.

The moral of the story here is:
Do unto others as you want done to you.

I've decided to unplug from the online dating for a while to regroup. To pull my shit together and do some soul searching until I find out why it is that I act this way. Already I feel a shift in energies within myself. I've already made the promise to myself and the Universe that I will NEVER... EVER do this to another human being as long as I live.

Retributions are a mother fucker! Karma is a bitch!

Watch out... it could be coming for you...

Friday, July 5, 2013

Instant Message

Hey you! Where you live?
Are you single? Got any kids?
I dig your style
You’ve got the cutest smile!
I live in DC
What's a few miles?

I was having a terrible day
Until I saw your page
Hey! What’s your age?
You don’t know who I am?
Can I still peep the cam?

Hey there girl… are you alone?
Where you at? Work or home?
I’ve been starin’ at your pictcha
Want me there witcha?
Dam you’re fine!
If you were mine
I’d hold you all the time!

All night long I thought about you
Girl who else you talking to?
How’s my baby? My lady? My boo?
Why can’t I call you?
What… you can’t show no love?
You turn me on like no one does!

Hey now baby… lick your lips
Can I get a kiss? Will you suck my dick?
Betcha mine’s bigger than his!
C’mon let’s cyber a bit.

I’m not your baby… I have a daddy
I’m quite busy… I don’t feel chatty
Even if I’m a cutie
I won’t give up tha booty
Naw, I don’t remember
last December
Did we chat all night?
If memory serves me right…
You only offered disrespect
I never considered the prospect
Of letting you call
I didn’t like you at all
Why’d you think I’d be the one?
Never mind… this convo’s done.

(And that pretty much sums up 90% of online chatting... fun huh?)

Sunday, June 30, 2013


I live my life in a cloud of smoke

Not cigarette smoke

Not figurative smoke

The cloud of smoke I live in is


And hypnotizing

It’s like I become ONE with it

& I pretty much am….

ONE with it

I mean…. I let it enter

Blow it back out

I take what I need from each hit

Timing it just right

Just long enough to use it

Use it like the voice I speak with

Use it like this pen in my hand

My cloud takes me to places most only dream of

Not places like deserted islands or distant moons

But places like contentment. Understanding. Acceptance.

I tour though feelings and thoughts

A literal vacation

With no obligation

Of staying….

Friday, June 28, 2013


Poetry is painful 

it's the thoughts I think

& never say

until today

Why should I hide it?

Poetry makes me accept the fact that I'm vulnerable

& sometimes it's an ugly fact

& sometimes I over-react

But the point here is:

It's hard to share Poetry

Do I dare? What if I get the blank stare?

What if they read and really don't care?


I don't just give it to anyone

these verses locked inside

my books, my heart, my mind

because Poetry can hurt

& if it hurts to speak out loud

then I'll never draw a crowd

& I'll never get it out


keeps me sane

& helps me shake off blame

and helps me live with no regrets


thinking that Poetry is painful...

because it's not

and even if it only means something to me

it sets me free


Monday, June 24, 2013


will my written words ever be seen
by another human being?
do I write for... what?
thoughts & regrets, triumphs & such?
stories & tales, memories & more?
that's it?
but will my written words ever be seen
by another human being?


...and in an unprecedented move she decided to let go
and in an unexpected release she rejuvenated her soul

in the blink of an eye she was forever changed
in this solo performance she took center stage

now in her unguarded stance
she rejoices at last

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The ComeBack Kid(s)

Life can be some what of a revolving door; full of people that come into our lives and stay, some that leave. But at times there are those who come, leave, and come back again. And again. Why?

I will probably never know. Most of the time I look at it from the perspective of: if it (they) are meant to be, it (they) will happen (be a permanent fixture). Thinking this way does not guarantee a painless departure when the time comes nor does it even come close to answering the question at hand. "Why?"

When I met SW I liked him off the bat; he had an edge and was not afraid to say what was on his mind. We chatted all day long via email and text for many days prior to meeting. We were in constant contact. He was the first white guy that I was actually interested in...in my whole life. He sure seemed to like me too, saying over and over that I was beautiful. He was unable to keep his hands to himself and frankly... it felt good to be touched. I was 3 years into self-enforced abstinence when this happened. He broke that on our 2nd "date". I was pretty disappointed in myself and I snuck out of his house at 3am like a ninja. Why?

All I ever wanted was to matter to someone. Anyone. I was sick of being disposable, the 'hit it & quit it' girl. These thoughts were racing through my head as I stumbled through his parking lot on my walk of shame. I was upset. I had not only broken my vow to myself, but I had put myself right back into the very place that I was working so hard to avoid: Being random. He texted me the next day asking why I left and I lied and said that I couldn't sleep. It was at this point that he stopped texting me...for days. I reached out to him to find out why and he completely flipped out on me. He was "busy". He had "things going on". How dare I question his silence?? I never responded. How could I?

Months went by and out of the blue he contacted me asking to talk. He apologized for his behavior and asked to see me. I asked him if his plan was to sex me up and then avoid me again. He said, "No. That would take balls of steel. I would not do that." But he did. Once again I became random. What the fuck?! At that point I chose to laugh it off to the world but on the inside I was hurt. What would make a person stop talking to me for months, then come back promising to be better just to stop talking to me again? Why?

Sadly that was not the first time something like that happened. It happened back when JD and I were dating. We had it all going on.. Mutual respect for each other, similar beliefs, interests, and laughter. So much laughter! We had been taking it slow because we wanted to have fun dating without confusing things with sex. It worked beautifully for 3 months until one night washed it all away. All of our laughs, time spent together, etc. was over with one night of drunken sex. Things were never the same after that. He, too, stopped the constant communication after that. He, too, came back a while later only to leave again. Why?

Really.. what purpose does any of this entry, exit, & re-entry serve? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn here? It's happened so many fucking times, what am I missing? I swear I could be so bitter because of all of this, yet some how.. some way.. I keep pressing on. I keep throwing myself out there and giving it the best I got. Why?

.... Because I'm not a quitter. Because I am determined. Because I believe that there are good, decent people in the world. Because I am me... the eternally hopeful girl that refuses to give up.

Maybe that's why it happens. To keep me focused and strong. To make me grateful and appreciative of the one who will come into my life and stay. Forever. Why?

Because I deserve it... Because like them, I am the comeback kid.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Pretty Side of Ugly

There have been times where I got into situations that did not serve me well. Times I stayed when I should have left. As a free person I could have walked away. As a damaged person I felt I had no choice. Other times I put up with abuse just to feel loved which seems like the biggest oxy-moron in the world! Yes, please abuse me so that I can feel loved. Makes no sense, but it's true. Most times I didn't feel loved. Most times I couldn't let go. Until one day... I did. And that one day that I did, it changed my life forever. 8 years of abuse came down to 6 simple words:
That. Does. Not. Work. For. Me.
It took me years to say that. It took an ocean of tears, hundreds of restless nights, and super-human strength god dammit! (I am  pretty sure there is a big ass "S" on my chest somewhere!) I never gave up. I never stopped trying. I never knew where I would land or what I would land on. And I did not care! It took faith. Faith in myself and faith in the beautiful people that rallied behind me. Now as I look back on it all I am amazed that I did any of it. Any staying, any accepting and having any belief that I would some day rise above it all. But I did. I did.
I feel fortunate that in my darkest times of despair and self-hatred I was able to express myself. Words literally poured out of me just like that ocean of tears, and I healed. And now... well now I can re-visit those memories and have no regrets. After all... how can I regret the greatest lesson I've ever learned?
I had quite the teacher: A controlling, narcissistic, angry, hateful man who made it his life's mission to bring me down. And while he did have me down... while he did have me under his spell, it didn't last. Thank goodness for the warrior in me because that "teacher" had nothing on this "warrior"! Nothing!  
Once I was released from his grasp, I took pen to paper to get him out of my system. It was within these writings that the healing really began. After writing them I decided to speak my truth by reciting them at an open-mic poetry bar. I can honestly say that I do not remember even writing them. But there... in mere moments...under the frustration, tears and outpouring of my soul.. my words came to life and took on a life of their own. Writing them felt amazing. Speaking them sent shivers through my entire body and now... I am ready to share them with the rest of the world. Although my life today is beautiful, these writings are ugly. But alas, I can consider myself on the pretty side... The pretty side of ugly...

I'm sorry things didn't work out
I'm sorry I couldn't stay to hear you shout
Sorry.. I wouldn't play the part
& I'm sorry if I broke your heart

I'm sorry you thought
That I'd be a Robert robot
That I'd be blind to your ways
And believe everything you say

I'm sorry I didn't believe that you were in love with me
'Cuz those times, that I got on my knees
Begged you to change
And you stayed the same...

I'm sorry that was it!
 & I'm sorry you didn't give a shit!
I'm sorry you cried
When I said goodbye
Sorry you wet my shirt
And I'm sorry you got hurt
Sorry I quit the drugs - my mind is clear!
I'm sorry I moved & you don't want to live here
Sorry you thought that I'd deal with you
I led you astray, and I'm sorry for that too

I'm sorry your world got shattered
I'm sorry you acted like I didn't matter
I'm sorry I allowed
Myself to throw in the towel
On my own hopes and dreams
 & I'm sorry you ignored my screams!

I'm sorry you said
Your mom would pay for our bed
So I spent that grand
And never saw a dime, man!!
Sorry I stayed up later
Blowing up your pager
Wonderin' where you were
Only to hear that you're with HER!?
But nothing's goin' on...yeah right!
I'm sorry you never made it home that night!
I'm sorry I asked your kids
Exactly what you did
When I wasn't around
& I'm sorry I let them down
When I left YOU behind
To try and make MY life MINE!

Sorry I got a job, a car, a house
I'm sorry you didn't realize what I'm about!
I'm sorry you took me for a joke
After hearing the words I spoke
I'm sorry I grew, but deep inside you knew
Eventually I would leave you!
Oops! Sorry!! I made up my mind
Sorry I ventured deep inside
Sorry I found myself under ALL THAT MESS
Sorry I lost the weight to fit into that dress
You said I was fat
And I'm sorry for that!
I'm sorry for the time
That I gave you that high five
To call myself ugly?!
Then allowed you to hug me!?!?!
And I'm sorry I led you to think I didn't care
That you hated my short hair!!
'Cuz I DID!!!!

'CUZ I AIN'T!!!!!!!!!!!

His words felt like acid rain
On the window pane of my soul
His eyes – burned holes
In my heart
& in that moment I knew he hated me
Tho he said he loved me, I knew he hated me…
Hated me.
For being happy
For being free
So he used his power against me
And it was working.
All those years under his thumb
I stopped caring that he called me 'dumb'
My addictions took over to keep me numb
Just to keep me alive
But only on the outside
…He was killing me inside
A million thoughts
A million thoughts ran thru my damaged mind
He loves me. He hates me. He's so unkind.
Where is he? He ignores me.
He loves me. He hates me.
He hates me! He hates me!! He HATES ME!!!
He called me a whore thru a smile
Told me my dreams aren't worthwhile
He claimed he was loyal
I felt like his Yo-Yo
I was so confused… so confused
He cuddled to me till I let him use
My limp body for pleasure
But the pleasure was his…
Not mine.
I just laid & cried
Why? Why!?
Why ME? Why Beth??
The only thing better than this is death
& I prayed for it.
He smothered me
With negativity
How long could I live in that agony
He loved me. He hated me.
I was blinded by the tender moments
As he rubbed me feet…
Convincing me that he loved me
But he hated me.
He pushed me away
But he hated me enough to make me stay
& I did.
He wanted to keep me in misery
He loved the company…

(Fuckin'A that felt good!)