Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Pretty Side of Ugly

There have been times where I got into situations that did not serve me well. Times I stayed when I should have left. As a free person I could have walked away. As a damaged person I felt I had no choice. Other times I put up with abuse just to feel loved which seems like the biggest oxy-moron in the world! Yes, please abuse me so that I can feel loved. Makes no sense, but it's true. Most times I didn't feel loved. Most times I couldn't let go. Until one day... I did. And that one day that I did, it changed my life forever. 8 years of abuse came down to 6 simple words:
That. Does. Not. Work. For. Me.
It took me years to say that. It took an ocean of tears, hundreds of restless nights, and super-human strength god dammit! (I am  pretty sure there is a big ass "S" on my chest somewhere!) I never gave up. I never stopped trying. I never knew where I would land or what I would land on. And I did not care! It took faith. Faith in myself and faith in the beautiful people that rallied behind me. Now as I look back on it all I am amazed that I did any of it. Any staying, any accepting and having any belief that I would some day rise above it all. But I did. I did.
I feel fortunate that in my darkest times of despair and self-hatred I was able to express myself. Words literally poured out of me just like that ocean of tears, and I healed. And now... well now I can re-visit those memories and have no regrets. After all... how can I regret the greatest lesson I've ever learned?
I had quite the teacher: A controlling, narcissistic, angry, hateful man who made it his life's mission to bring me down. And while he did have me down... while he did have me under his spell, it didn't last. Thank goodness for the warrior in me because that "teacher" had nothing on this "warrior"! Nothing!  
Once I was released from his grasp, I took pen to paper to get him out of my system. It was within these writings that the healing really began. After writing them I decided to speak my truth by reciting them at an open-mic poetry bar. I can honestly say that I do not remember even writing them. But there... in mere moments...under the frustration, tears and outpouring of my soul.. my words came to life and took on a life of their own. Writing them felt amazing. Speaking them sent shivers through my entire body and now... I am ready to share them with the rest of the world. Although my life today is beautiful, these writings are ugly. But alas, I can consider myself on the pretty side... The pretty side of ugly...

I'm sorry things didn't work out
I'm sorry I couldn't stay to hear you shout
Sorry.. I wouldn't play the part
& I'm sorry if I broke your heart

I'm sorry you thought
That I'd be a Robert robot
That I'd be blind to your ways
And believe everything you say

I'm sorry I didn't believe that you were in love with me
'Cuz those times, that I got on my knees
Begged you to change
And you stayed the same...

I'm sorry that was it!
 & I'm sorry you didn't give a shit!
I'm sorry you cried
When I said goodbye
Sorry you wet my shirt
And I'm sorry you got hurt
Sorry I quit the drugs - my mind is clear!
I'm sorry I moved & you don't want to live here
Sorry you thought that I'd deal with you
I led you astray, and I'm sorry for that too

I'm sorry your world got shattered
I'm sorry you acted like I didn't matter
I'm sorry I allowed
Myself to throw in the towel
On my own hopes and dreams
 & I'm sorry you ignored my screams!

I'm sorry you said
Your mom would pay for our bed
So I spent that grand
And never saw a dime, man!!
Sorry I stayed up later
Blowing up your pager
Wonderin' where you were
Only to hear that you're with HER!?
But nothing's goin' on...yeah right!
I'm sorry you never made it home that night!
I'm sorry I asked your kids
Exactly what you did
When I wasn't around
& I'm sorry I let them down
When I left YOU behind
To try and make MY life MINE!

Sorry I got a job, a car, a house
I'm sorry you didn't realize what I'm about!
I'm sorry you took me for a joke
After hearing the words I spoke
I'm sorry I grew, but deep inside you knew
Eventually I would leave you!
Oops! Sorry!! I made up my mind
Sorry I ventured deep inside
Sorry I found myself under ALL THAT MESS
Sorry I lost the weight to fit into that dress
You said I was fat
And I'm sorry for that!
I'm sorry for the time
That I gave you that high five
To call myself ugly?!
Then allowed you to hug me!?!?!
And I'm sorry I led you to think I didn't care
That you hated my short hair!!
'Cuz I DID!!!!

'CUZ I AIN'T!!!!!!!!!!!

His words felt like acid rain
On the window pane of my soul
His eyes – burned holes
In my heart
& in that moment I knew he hated me
Tho he said he loved me, I knew he hated me…
Hated me.
For being happy
For being free
So he used his power against me
And it was working.
All those years under his thumb
I stopped caring that he called me 'dumb'
My addictions took over to keep me numb
Just to keep me alive
But only on the outside
…He was killing me inside
A million thoughts
A million thoughts ran thru my damaged mind
He loves me. He hates me. He's so unkind.
Where is he? He ignores me.
He loves me. He hates me.
He hates me! He hates me!! He HATES ME!!!
He called me a whore thru a smile
Told me my dreams aren't worthwhile
He claimed he was loyal
I felt like his Yo-Yo
I was so confused… so confused
He cuddled to me till I let him use
My limp body for pleasure
But the pleasure was his…
Not mine.
I just laid & cried
Why? Why!?
Why ME? Why Beth??
The only thing better than this is death
& I prayed for it.
He smothered me
With negativity
How long could I live in that agony
He loved me. He hated me.
I was blinded by the tender moments
As he rubbed me feet…
Convincing me that he loved me
But he hated me.
He pushed me away
But he hated me enough to make me stay
& I did.
He wanted to keep me in misery
He loved the company…

(Fuckin'A that felt good!)

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