Wednesday, February 26, 2014


A letter to myself in an empty book
Just asks why
I can’t get by
I don’t need your approval
To conquer removal
With the wave of my hand
I’ll do what I can

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.

I think I’ve lost you for good
But if there’s a chance... We could?
Well, no, that won’t do
I’m trying to break away from you
So why call each other up?
And continue to discuss?
It’s just…..

I can’t release this hold on you
No matter what we’re going thru
I’ll fall from grace, but I’ll admit it’s true
I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU !

I see thru water
Every time I bother
With actions that hurt me
And bruise me so perfectly.

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.


Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentine Box

I think Valentines Day is a crock of shit! I will proudly admit to being bitter, so there is no need for you to wonder. I fucking hate the day. The roses, the candies, the barf-inducing, sappy cards. Of course I've had many memorable V-days... It's just that they are memorable in the wrong ways.

My first real boyfriend showered me with flowers. He gave me the biggest teddy-bear I'd ever seen. I was thrilled! Thrilled 'til I learned that he had stole it. All of it. Like straight out of a store in the middle of the night. Nice, huh?

My next boyfriend did not celebrate anything. Not a birthday, not Christmas.. and of course not Valentines Day. That is... until he did. I walked into my job to find a huge basket filled with stuffed animals & chocolates topped with a huge balloon. (Think mini-hot air balloon.) I was shocked! Surprised! Excited! Until he admitted that he, too, had used his 5-finger discount. Seriously?! More stolen shit? This was years after I received the other "hot" goods. Different time, different man... same lame result.

After 5 years with boyfriend B, I moved away to start a new life. He was not happy with that choice. Not at all. He told me I ruined his life by making that choice. He told me that I was stupid for making that choice. He "promised" that he was the only one that would EVER love me... So by making that choice we broke up. We broke up for about 48 hours. (Funny thing about choices, huh? If only I would have made another...)

A year and a half into our long-distance relationship Valentines Day came out to play. This time I worked in a bank. I was a professional in a professional environment. I was in the lunch room when I got a frantic call from the front line. I was needed in the lobby. Immediately. When I got there I saw 5 co-workers standing in a circle; they were all staring at a huge box.

The box was addressed to me. The box was big enough to hold a person; or two.
The box had drawings, obviously done by a child, on one side. (To be honest it looked a little sadistic.) The box's three other sides were plastered with ads from a department store. What department? Oh... the underwear one. Like no shit: bras, panties, nighties... Horrified me and my pal pushed the box into a side office. Everyone gathered around. They wanted to see what was inside!

Embarrassingly, the box gets opened. One helium filled balloon floated out slowly; it was attached to 2 limp ones. There were brightly colored sweat suits covering a home bath spa, some candy, a card with no envelope, and several photos; photos that I had when I moved away from him. (They were missing when I un-packed.) Stolen things yet again. W.T.F.

The card had writing in it. A poem. A real intimate one describing sexual acts and expressing feelings. It was not signed... nor was it written by him. It was in cursive, female handwriting; that of my former bff that was now living with him. (That's a whole other story.. maybe I'll tell you later.)

I was furious! How tacky is this fucking box?! I ran back to the break room to make a call. It went something like this:
Me: What the fuck is with this box?!?!!?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Are you fucking serious right now with the naked women on the outside of it and the card and...
Him: Shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch! I spent $50 to have that shipped so you would get it today! You're such a fucking bitch! You don't appreciate shit!
CLICK - He hung up.

I didn't know what to do with myself. When I got home that night I was still embarrassed, still pissed off. I took pen to paper (my natural outlet for angst) and wrote my own poem. I few days later we finally talked and I read it to him. He didn't like it.

Yes. This was years ago. Ten years ago to be exact. Have I celebrated Valentines Day since? Sure.. I've had dinners with my friends, etc. But no memory, no amount of friends or fun can erase what this "holiday" means to me. In short, it means jack shit! Sorry if that offends you romantics. But to my fellow cynics I'd like to say: Cheers! Keep on hatin' I am right beside you!

Here's the poem I wrote... I can't believe he hated it.

Valentine Box
         I could almost be paranoid enough
                        To think you’re trying to kill me.
A gift for my bath that plugs into the wall?
Knowin’ water  &  ‘lectricity don’t mesh at all.
The chocolate to eat could be ten years old.
It’s hard as a rock and covered in mold.
The balloons filled with poison air?
Two deflated inside there!
A poem to make my heart beat with love.
I could almost be paranoid enough………….
My heart attacks with anger
It’s the worst k i n d  o  f    p   a   i   n      u    h!
                        I think you’re trying to kill me.
                        You should know by now, that gifts ain’t shit
                        A personal touch makes loneliness quit.
                        A thought wrapped in intimacy
                        That’s the kind of present I need.
                        I don’t need a reminder
                        That you lay down beside her.
My body attacks with anger
It’s    t h e      wo   r  st      k  ind       of       pa   i        n                       U        H!
I think you’re trying to kill me.
 I don’t know you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I’m so confused
I stumble through... wondering
 I don’t trust you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I am a question mark....left pondering
 I don’t believe you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
You’ve overstepped your boundary
I know you're trying to kill me
(c) 2003


Thursday, February 6, 2014

my rap

Mi amor?
I don’t adore
you more than before
see, I ain’t a whore
but I like to score
then I’m out tha door
don’t really know myself anymore

what I’ve become
what I’ve done
dam I had fun
but I’m tha one
to be on tha run  

believe this shit
I give what I get
figure it out yet?
I’m a sure bet
come throw it down
I’ll keep ya around
remember my sound
drifting onto your grounds

I don’t drink from half tha glass
top mine off, do it fast
I want tha feeling to last
I’ll giggle
just a little
mess up a riddle
tha rumble in my tummy
made me kinda chubby
swallowed most of tha world
tryin’ to be a girl
that posses it all
goin’ thru changes
despite what my age is
curiosity’s contagious

payday-ha! what a joke
I’m still broke
gone before I make it
bill collectors take it
be happy? well I fake it
my ass? I’d like to shake it
bills are cake? believe I bake it

step to tha front
smoke a blunt
get what I want
change my font
I’ll print tha words
not in cursive, ya heard?
am I disturbed
or just perturbed
‘bout tha dollas I burn?

maybe I’m pissed
last one on tha list
do you want to kiss
my ass or my fist?
am I dreamin’? Just pinch
my cheek and let me know
if you can keep up with my flow
I think tha answer might be no
so dude, just let it go

I'll put a mirror on tha ceiling
to bring out freaky feelings
but I don’t just have flings
I make ‘em jump thru rings
I’m tha one to rock tha boat
leave u drownin’ in a mote
with no remote
to watch TV
or a floor to get on your knees
to beg me to stop
I’m over tha top
bet you’d like it a lot

I’m supa dupa like missy
kinda fun kinda prissy
I am just who I am
a sassy chic with an alternate plan
took my first breath on the fifth of December
came out bravin’ tha winter
inhaled the ice
on the first day o’ my life
became the sweet, sexy me
lasting longer than eternity

Monday, February 3, 2014

tippy toes (2002)

why be married and cheat
turn your back around & creep
think he’ll turn the other cheek
& forget that you’re a freak
no one’s stuck
you still have luck
don’t give me that shit
quit yankin’ on dick

I’ll never understand
how you come home to a man
that you can barely stand
& lie all you can
you walked down an aisle
now you’re swimming in denial
you’ll get caught after while
'cuz that shit goes outta style

I won’t pat you on the head
smile at everything you said
but I’ll write it out with lead
let you READ my word instead

you no-good fuckin’ hoes
that walk around on tippy toes
I’ll put you into rows
and in your face I’ll throw
just a simple phrase
‘bout life these days
the ultimate price to pay
a four-letter word called AIDS
if you opened your eyes
quit pretending you are blind
maybe you would see
this world full of disease

you’re adding to the list
all the people that you kiss
you subject yourself to this
you have no right to be pissed
when it blows up in your face
& your life becomes replaced
with a past you can’t erase
you wasted all that cash
on a love that didn’t last
you jumped at the chance
to go out and run the streets
and try to be discreet
but you got weights on your feet
you’re starting to slow
got nowhere to go
& now you know

that being a no-good fuckin’ hoe
that walks around on tippy toes
will be among those
that no one wants to touch
there’s no one left to love
you just ran out of luck