Sunday, July 28, 2013

the Numb

I'm here now in the Numb
the journey's begun
this is where I run
when I don't know what to do
if only I could stay
so it never goes away
the Numb
it's so quiet here
in the empty mirror
no reflection, no mockery
this is the only place that
works for me
the Numb

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


under the purple haze caused by the blaze
of a b
a great place to achieve
wild dreams
and endless streams
of pleasure
beyond any measure

Thursday, July 11, 2013

he used to say...

He used to say that he loved to kiss me because my lips were full… luscious… thick
He used to say that there was no one in the world that felt like I did, inside, and well….
He used to say I was deep & soft. Everywhere. Yeah, everywhere… but
He used to say that the lips I spoke with were amazing on their own.
He used to savor the taste of me.

He used to say that staring into my eyes was heaven on earth. That at a mere glance he was hypnotized-lost at sea-in my eyes-lighter than the blue that colors the sky
He used to say that he memorized the curve of my cheeks by watching me sleep under the moon’s pale light

He used to say that having me bare was beautiful. That no material could compare to my skin… that being lost in the soft-ness of me was the only place worth being
He use to say "I love you" "I LOVE YOU" "you’re perfect" "come closer" "you’re mine to hold forever" "no one can love you better"

He used to say that he spent his day thinking of me. All day. Every second.
He used to say I was the most precious gift he had over received, and…
He used to say that he was blessed to know me… beth. Inside and out

He used to say I was the beat in his heart. That without me, he wouldn’t know what he would do-like his heart would actually stop beating or something….
He used to say my laugh made his day.
He used to say
"I love you"


he did say those things...

Sunday, July 7, 2013


Do you believe? I do. I have proof.
The proof is my own set of retributions.

I've been using the internet as a way to meet people for a decade. During this time I have talked to hundreds of people. Hundreds! I have failed every single time. I've even failed when I swore that I was not. Michael Jordan said that he shot hoops over and over and over until he started truly scoring. I feel like I am the MJ of the dating world. Minus the high score.

There is one common denominator in my struggles. Me. And while I would love to sit here and say that it cannot possibly be me.. I cannot. As it turns out, I am drowning in the behaviors that I hate the most.

If I don't like a person or am not feeling a connection I cut off all contact; they never hear from me again. Even if/when they repeatedly call, email, text, etc. I never have given this personality flaw a second look until the Universe literally beat me over the head with it. This entire time I have wondered what it is that makes men talk to me, hang out, seemingly have a good time only to never speak to me again. I've chalked it up to it being not meant to be. I've taken every rejection like a champ... until today. Today I went out off the deep end and went crazy on a man who was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I started talking to Eric on a Monday. By Wednesday night we had chatted on the phone, exchanged texts, and sent emails. We got along just fine. I met him at a pool hall and hung out with him and his friends. It was a little awkward at first, but after a while the 4 of us were laughing and having a fun time. At the end of the night Eric kissed me goodbye and then made sure I got home okay. The kiss was not good as there was little or no chemistry. I knew this. I also knew that he was a 42 year old father who lived with his parents! Overlooking all of that, I still figured we would be friendly. Thursday he reached out to me about 5 times throughout the day.. what was I doing, how was my day blah blah blah. On Friday morning I sent an email. I got no response. Friday night I sent a text. No response.

Now, I am not, nor have I ever been the type of girl that continuously tries to contact someone that is obviously not into me. But this situation was it! I was so fucking sick of men doing this to me that on Sunday morning I decided to send him another email. I wanted answers god dammit! I wanted to know why the fuck he was not extending the common courtesy of telling me he was not interested. Being ignored is the worst fucking thing in the world! How dare he?! Why was someone doing this to me AGAIN!? I was all hyped up! I typed with a fury! I called him out on his shit and demanded that he speak his truth, man up, and fucking SAY THE WORDS: I am not interested in you.

I took all of my rage for every man that has ever dissed me and laid it on Eric. He received all the manic, pissy, accusing energy I could muster. And it was a lot! And he answered me. I was not expecting the reply to be so... mean. I'm not sure what I thought.. maybe that he would apologize? Jokes on me...He basically called me crazy and creepy to which I replied that he was the creepy coward who was a total loser. Now there is a man out there who at this very moment thinks I am a complete basket case. Those thoughts would be correct. What the hell was I thinking?!

He was not who I was really mad at. None of this was his fault. I am smart enough to know that sometimes people just don't click. Yet here I sit... embarrassed shaking my head at it all now that I realize I am the cause of this effect. He did to me what I have done to at least 10 men in the past 6 weeks! Yes. True story. This very behavior that I loathe so much in a man is a direct result of my own stupid actions. The Universe finally got through to me. This was a hard lesson to learn. It's hard to face, it's hard to admit.

The moral of the story here is:
Do unto others as you want done to you.

I've decided to unplug from the online dating for a while to regroup. To pull my shit together and do some soul searching until I find out why it is that I act this way. Already I feel a shift in energies within myself. I've already made the promise to myself and the Universe that I will NEVER... EVER do this to another human being as long as I live.

Retributions are a mother fucker! Karma is a bitch!

Watch out... it could be coming for you...

Friday, July 5, 2013

Instant Message

Hey you! Where you live?
Are you single? Got any kids?
I dig your style
You’ve got the cutest smile!
I live in DC
What's a few miles?

I was having a terrible day
Until I saw your page
Hey! What’s your age?
You don’t know who I am?
Can I still peep the cam?

Hey there girl… are you alone?
Where you at? Work or home?
I’ve been starin’ at your pictcha
Want me there witcha?
Dam you’re fine!
If you were mine
I’d hold you all the time!

All night long I thought about you
Girl who else you talking to?
How’s my baby? My lady? My boo?
Why can’t I call you?
What… you can’t show no love?
You turn me on like no one does!

Hey now baby… lick your lips
Can I get a kiss? Will you suck my dick?
Betcha mine’s bigger than his!
C’mon let’s cyber a bit.

I’m not your baby… I have a daddy
I’m quite busy… I don’t feel chatty
Even if I’m a cutie
I won’t give up tha booty
Naw, I don’t remember
last December
Did we chat all night?
If memory serves me right…
You only offered disrespect
I never considered the prospect
Of letting you call
I didn’t like you at all
Why’d you think I’d be the one?
Never mind… this convo’s done.

(And that pretty much sums up 90% of online chatting... fun huh?)