Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Keep It Clean

I was under the impression that men are obsessed with their cars. I thought they like to keep their ride spotless, visit the wash on the regular, and shine their wheels 'til they can see their reflection.
I thought this was standard male behavior. I thought that this was the one thing that you could count on a man for.

It was while under this impression that I was shocked to find it to be completely untrue.

Have you ever smelled dead rodents, rotten sauerkraut and sweaty jock straps blended together? I haven't either, not technically, but if I was to describe the smell that came from his car, that would be it.  
I am talking a smell so obviously foul that it's a wonder the man inside could even breathe. This was the car that I was expected to get into.

I try to be a good sport about situations. This was the first time I was meeting him and I wanted to be nice. So when I sat down in that car... in that raunchy, disgusting, shit-scented car, I was on my best behavior. 

The first words out of my mouth should have been "Dude, what the fuck died in here?! Can't you smell that?!" Instead I decided to hold my breath.

Turns out, I am not good at holding my breath for more than a few seconds. So when that plan failed, I went for the next best option... rolling down the window.
Turns out, the window didn't roll down all the way.
As far as I saw it, I had two options. I could say "Dude, what the fuck died in here?! Can't you smell that?!" like I was dying to or I could move as close as possible to the semi-rolled-down window and try to remain polite.

That's what I did. I leaned into the door, propping my chin up on the window and started gasping for air.
We drove down the street with the top half of my head hanging out of that window. My hair was toast by the time we arrived at our destination, I was sick to my stomach, and he was still clueless.

During the entire date all I could think about was having to get back into that damn car. The mere thought of it made me gag! Could I make a run for it? Could I sneak out and slash his tires so we would be forced to find other transportation? No, no... I couldn't do that but I had to get home somehow. I gave up and just repeated my behavior from the ride there on the ride back.

When we pulled into my driveway I was nearly dead from the toxic fumes. I figured that in my last breath I should say something to him to help avoid future embarrassment. I racked my brain for the most tactful way to tell him that his car was a death trap.

Turns out, I am a stranger to tact and I blurted out, "Dude, what the fuck died in here?! Can't you smell that?!" He stared at me in shock. I followed it up with "Dude! Some. Thing. Died. In. Here! What the fuck is it and why can't you smell it?!" Still he stared.

I jumped out of the car without much of a goodbye. I went into my house and took a shower. I may or may not have even snorted some baby powder to get the smell out of my nose. A few weeks later he texted me and wanted to go out again. Before I could answer he said, "And don't worry... I have my mom's car this time."

No, not "Oh don't worry, I found the source of the putrid stench and took care of it." No, not even a "By the way I am sorry I almost killed you last time, but I found a way to release the beast."

Needless to say I never saw him again, but I've often wondered what the fuck DID die in there and why couldn't he smell it?! And why.... for the love of anything holy did he think it was OKAY to pick someone up in that car?!

Advice of the day: Keep it clean, man... keep it clean!

The Best Date I Never Had

It is my own personal theory that single people have to take advantage of
every situation in order to meet other single people.
You really never know who will cross your path.

The best date I never had came in the form of an internet installer.
That's right, never had. Never had because it was not a date.

He was handsome, polite, funny, quick-witted, and interesting. When he
smiled... oh man, he smiled! One of those impossible to forget kind of smiles.. One of those smiles you want to see repeatedly... especially when it's aimed at you.

He was at my home to do job. He was to install my internet.

But he did more than that. He listened, he shared, he laughed and made me laugh. He looked me right in my eyes, and his eyes were amazing.

We talked and laughed for hours. We had so much in common & it was
easy! Real easy. And comfortable, so comfortable.. I was me. He was him. We
were on fire.

The topics of conversation bounced between our pasts, our present days and
even into the future.. from music to hidden talents and general wonders
about the world and people in it.

How could I have this much in common with this random person? It's not like the dating site had matched our interests or anything. Where the hell did he come from? And further... where had he been all this time?
Where was this beautifully flawed, authentic human last month when I, instead, met one crazy after another?

Could this random interaction have been fate? He wasn't even supposed to work that day!
Could it really be possible that after the thousands of emails, texts, messages, outings, chats &
meet-ups from my online profiles that the person I had such an amazing day with came from nowhere? Literally fell out of the sky and into my day?

Is it true what they say about finding what you want when you least expect it?
Because I was expecting an old guy with a plumber's crack and bad teeth. I was expecting that the interaction would be short and sweet. Who knew that I would end up having so much damn fun??

Certainly not I... not the Kisser of Frogs!!

When the job was finished we exchanged numbers. We started texting within 10 minutes of his departure from my home. 30 minutes later he came back to hang out some more! Again, totally at ease, we laughed, talked, listened to music and played cards. After he left the 2nd time my phone rang... It was him!
I was on cloud freakin' nine.I smiled for the remainder of the night. This prospect was a good one! I was.... SO EXCITED.

  But here I sit without a single word from him. Here I sit... discouraged, disappointed, and missing that connection. Missing me, and how free and comfortable I was in those glorious moments.Moments like that are few and far between for a girl like me. I'm beginning to feel like I was punked or that it was all a dream.
Way to tease a girl, Universe!


Who knows what will happen. Maybe nothing. Maybe everything.
At this point I choose to look at it for what it was: the best date I never had!

Friday, May 24, 2013

What he said / What he meant

I am 6 feet tall. = I am really 5'8 & 1/2 but I don't think you will notice.

I'm into you! = I will stalk your life by texting you 100 times and calling repeatedly even when you don't answer.

I have a few kids. = I have 4 kids by 3 different mothers and I'm not quite sure where they all are.

I'm a happy, carefree guy! = I am miserable, depressed, & negative.

I think you are sexy (even tho I've never met you). = I only looked at your profile pictures and not your actual profile. I really just want to fuck you.

I'm looking to settle down. = I have zero time to get to know you, but I'll still fuck you.

I'm looking for substance and intelligence. = I could give a shit if you are smart or not.. I just want to fuck you.

Do you think I am hot? = Do you want to fuck?

I like thin, athletic women. = Even if you're a fatty, I'll fuck you.

I've deleted my profile because you are the one! = I have another profile that you don't know about, and by the way I'm needy and desperate. We should totally fuck.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Fairy Tale

I think us women are born with a deep-seeded thought that someday, somewhere, somehow a prince is going to come along and sweep us off our feet.
You know.. rescue us in some fantastic way like at the end of Pretty Woman or nearly every Disney movie ever made.

As a young girl I believed in those fairy tales often daydreaming that Shaun Cassidy would come to my house and take me away. I believed again when I was convinced that Scott Baio was going to come serenade me at my bedroom window with his remake of Midnight Confessions. Then there was Michael Jackson, who I swear, pointed at me way up in that back row and professed his love during one of his concerts.

Sadly, I never heard from any of at the age of 12 I stopped the believing. Well, okay maybe not stopped entirely, but I sure learned at a young age that the whole fairy tale ending just does not happen in real life.

Now that I am a grown woman I find myself daydreaming of the perfect man coming into my life; not to rescue me, but rather to compliment me. I've never met a perfect person, but that eternal sense of hope that is embedded deep inside my soul urges me to try and find the one who is perfect for me. A soul-mate, if you will.

It is for this reason that I signed up for dating websites. How else can a single gal find a man?

Grocery stores? I tried that once... He worked in the meat department. He started following me through the store then finally decided to speak to me. We hit it off okay.. as okay as two people can in a grocery store. But outside of there during our first dinner together he turned paranoid claiming that the whole place was staring at us. (I am white, he was black) I laughed it off but he insisted that Old Chicago was full of racists. Let's just say that it all ended there for me. I found a new store to shop at.

Bars? I tried that once (or twice) too... We all know how that option turns out. I ended up becoming the girl they call when the bar closes. Not exactly what I wanted for myself.

Work? Yep. Been there, done that! The issue? People notice and gossip. Not really the kind of reputation I want as a professional woman!

Hell I even made out with a plumber once that came to fix my toilet. How did that end? I still got the bill.


Here I am. Online. Online with no Shaun Cassidy's or Michael Jackson's in sight.
Online with the supposed millions of other single people that are looking for the same thing as me. So why do my chances feel like they are literally one in a million? How hard is this going to be?!

Maybe I need to believe in that fairy tale again to make him appear.
Maybe I need to believe with my whole heart that he is on his way.
And maybe, just maybe my tale will come true.

But until then...

I'll be in my window... waiting...

(Scott Baio, I've got the music cued!)

Wednesday, May 22, 2013


I laugh alone now
Cuz' I know in time
You’ll be here to laugh with me
So I’m practicing

Even though I shop alone
Eat dinner alone
& talk out loud to myself
Eventually you’ll appear
& want to hear
These words that pour from my heart

My stories of life before you
And how I've prepared for you
How I’ve kept your side of the bed warm
How I cant wait to read you the poem
That I wrote late one night
About you being mine
Thanking you for the love
You brought into my world
& how I never knew this girl
Would grow into the woman
You’d admire
How you’d be able to light my fire
Or feed my passion
& have this love

It's okay that I sit and ponder
Let my mind wander
Dreaming of holding your hand
Cherishing the fact
That you are now my man
Hey, thanks for coming
Just when I needed you
I appreciate you
We’ve love in the truest form
We'll never be bored

I’ve prepared for you


when the frog I kiss
turns into a prince
I'll read him this