Sunday, June 30, 2013


I live my life in a cloud of smoke

Not cigarette smoke

Not figurative smoke

The cloud of smoke I live in is


And hypnotizing

It’s like I become ONE with it

& I pretty much am….

ONE with it

I mean…. I let it enter

Blow it back out

I take what I need from each hit

Timing it just right

Just long enough to use it

Use it like the voice I speak with

Use it like this pen in my hand

My cloud takes me to places most only dream of

Not places like deserted islands or distant moons

But places like contentment. Understanding. Acceptance.

I tour though feelings and thoughts

A literal vacation

With no obligation

Of staying….

Friday, June 28, 2013


Poetry is painful 

it's the thoughts I think

& never say

until today

Why should I hide it?

Poetry makes me accept the fact that I'm vulnerable

& sometimes it's an ugly fact

& sometimes I over-react

But the point here is:

It's hard to share Poetry

Do I dare? What if I get the blank stare?

What if they read and really don't care?


I don't just give it to anyone

these verses locked inside

my books, my heart, my mind

because Poetry can hurt

& if it hurts to speak out loud

then I'll never draw a crowd

& I'll never get it out


keeps me sane

& helps me shake off blame

and helps me live with no regrets


thinking that Poetry is painful...

because it's not

and even if it only means something to me

it sets me free


Monday, June 24, 2013


will my written words ever be seen
by another human being?
do I write for... what?
thoughts & regrets, triumphs & such?
stories & tales, memories & more?
that's it?
but will my written words ever be seen
by another human being?


...and in an unprecedented move she decided to let go
and in an unexpected release she rejuvenated her soul

in the blink of an eye she was forever changed
in this solo performance she took center stage

now in her unguarded stance
she rejoices at last

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The ComeBack Kid(s)

Life can be some what of a revolving door; full of people that come into our lives and stay, some that leave. But at times there are those who come, leave, and come back again. And again. Why?

I will probably never know. Most of the time I look at it from the perspective of: if it (they) are meant to be, it (they) will happen (be a permanent fixture). Thinking this way does not guarantee a painless departure when the time comes nor does it even come close to answering the question at hand. "Why?"

When I met SW I liked him off the bat; he had an edge and was not afraid to say what was on his mind. We chatted all day long via email and text for many days prior to meeting. We were in constant contact. He was the first white guy that I was actually interested my whole life. He sure seemed to like me too, saying over and over that I was beautiful. He was unable to keep his hands to himself and frankly... it felt good to be touched. I was 3 years into self-enforced abstinence when this happened. He broke that on our 2nd "date". I was pretty disappointed in myself and I snuck out of his house at 3am like a ninja. Why?

All I ever wanted was to matter to someone. Anyone. I was sick of being disposable, the 'hit it & quit it' girl. These thoughts were racing through my head as I stumbled through his parking lot on my walk of shame. I was upset. I had not only broken my vow to myself, but I had put myself right back into the very place that I was working so hard to avoid: Being random. He texted me the next day asking why I left and I lied and said that I couldn't sleep. It was at this point that he stopped texting me...for days. I reached out to him to find out why and he completely flipped out on me. He was "busy". He had "things going on". How dare I question his silence?? I never responded. How could I?

Months went by and out of the blue he contacted me asking to talk. He apologized for his behavior and asked to see me. I asked him if his plan was to sex me up and then avoid me again. He said, "No. That would take balls of steel. I would not do that." But he did. Once again I became random. What the fuck?! At that point I chose to laugh it off to the world but on the inside I was hurt. What would make a person stop talking to me for months, then come back promising to be better just to stop talking to me again? Why?

Sadly that was not the first time something like that happened. It happened back when JD and I were dating. We had it all going on.. Mutual respect for each other, similar beliefs, interests, and laughter. So much laughter! We had been taking it slow because we wanted to have fun dating without confusing things with sex. It worked beautifully for 3 months until one night washed it all away. All of our laughs, time spent together, etc. was over with one night of drunken sex. Things were never the same after that. He, too, stopped the constant communication after that. He, too, came back a while later only to leave again. Why?

Really.. what purpose does any of this entry, exit, & re-entry serve? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn here? It's happened so many fucking times, what am I missing? I swear I could be so bitter because of all of this, yet some how.. some way.. I keep pressing on. I keep throwing myself out there and giving it the best I got. Why?

.... Because I'm not a quitter. Because I am determined. Because I believe that there are good, decent people in the world. Because I am me... the eternally hopeful girl that refuses to give up.

Maybe that's why it happens. To keep me focused and strong. To make me grateful and appreciative of the one who will come into my life and stay. Forever. Why?

Because I deserve it... Because like them, I am the comeback kid.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Pretty Side of Ugly

There have been times where I got into situations that did not serve me well. Times I stayed when I should have left. As a free person I could have walked away. As a damaged person I felt I had no choice. Other times I put up with abuse just to feel loved which seems like the biggest oxy-moron in the world! Yes, please abuse me so that I can feel loved. Makes no sense, but it's true. Most times I didn't feel loved. Most times I couldn't let go. Until one day... I did. And that one day that I did, it changed my life forever. 8 years of abuse came down to 6 simple words:
That. Does. Not. Work. For. Me.
It took me years to say that. It took an ocean of tears, hundreds of restless nights, and super-human strength god dammit! (I am  pretty sure there is a big ass "S" on my chest somewhere!) I never gave up. I never stopped trying. I never knew where I would land or what I would land on. And I did not care! It took faith. Faith in myself and faith in the beautiful people that rallied behind me. Now as I look back on it all I am amazed that I did any of it. Any staying, any accepting and having any belief that I would some day rise above it all. But I did. I did.
I feel fortunate that in my darkest times of despair and self-hatred I was able to express myself. Words literally poured out of me just like that ocean of tears, and I healed. And now... well now I can re-visit those memories and have no regrets. After all... how can I regret the greatest lesson I've ever learned?
I had quite the teacher: A controlling, narcissistic, angry, hateful man who made it his life's mission to bring me down. And while he did have me down... while he did have me under his spell, it didn't last. Thank goodness for the warrior in me because that "teacher" had nothing on this "warrior"! Nothing!  
Once I was released from his grasp, I took pen to paper to get him out of my system. It was within these writings that the healing really began. After writing them I decided to speak my truth by reciting them at an open-mic poetry bar. I can honestly say that I do not remember even writing them. But there... in mere moments...under the frustration, tears and outpouring of my soul.. my words came to life and took on a life of their own. Writing them felt amazing. Speaking them sent shivers through my entire body and now... I am ready to share them with the rest of the world. Although my life today is beautiful, these writings are ugly. But alas, I can consider myself on the pretty side... The pretty side of ugly...

I'm sorry things didn't work out
I'm sorry I couldn't stay to hear you shout
Sorry.. I wouldn't play the part
& I'm sorry if I broke your heart

I'm sorry you thought
That I'd be a Robert robot
That I'd be blind to your ways
And believe everything you say

I'm sorry I didn't believe that you were in love with me
'Cuz those times, that I got on my knees
Begged you to change
And you stayed the same...

I'm sorry that was it!
 & I'm sorry you didn't give a shit!
I'm sorry you cried
When I said goodbye
Sorry you wet my shirt
And I'm sorry you got hurt
Sorry I quit the drugs - my mind is clear!
I'm sorry I moved & you don't want to live here
Sorry you thought that I'd deal with you
I led you astray, and I'm sorry for that too

I'm sorry your world got shattered
I'm sorry you acted like I didn't matter
I'm sorry I allowed
Myself to throw in the towel
On my own hopes and dreams
 & I'm sorry you ignored my screams!

I'm sorry you said
Your mom would pay for our bed
So I spent that grand
And never saw a dime, man!!
Sorry I stayed up later
Blowing up your pager
Wonderin' where you were
Only to hear that you're with HER!?
But nothing's goin' on...yeah right!
I'm sorry you never made it home that night!
I'm sorry I asked your kids
Exactly what you did
When I wasn't around
& I'm sorry I let them down
When I left YOU behind
To try and make MY life MINE!

Sorry I got a job, a car, a house
I'm sorry you didn't realize what I'm about!
I'm sorry you took me for a joke
After hearing the words I spoke
I'm sorry I grew, but deep inside you knew
Eventually I would leave you!
Oops! Sorry!! I made up my mind
Sorry I ventured deep inside
Sorry I found myself under ALL THAT MESS
Sorry I lost the weight to fit into that dress
You said I was fat
And I'm sorry for that!
I'm sorry for the time
That I gave you that high five
To call myself ugly?!
Then allowed you to hug me!?!?!
And I'm sorry I led you to think I didn't care
That you hated my short hair!!
'Cuz I DID!!!!

'CUZ I AIN'T!!!!!!!!!!!

His words felt like acid rain
On the window pane of my soul
His eyes – burned holes
In my heart
& in that moment I knew he hated me
Tho he said he loved me, I knew he hated me…
Hated me.
For being happy
For being free
So he used his power against me
And it was working.
All those years under his thumb
I stopped caring that he called me 'dumb'
My addictions took over to keep me numb
Just to keep me alive
But only on the outside
…He was killing me inside
A million thoughts
A million thoughts ran thru my damaged mind
He loves me. He hates me. He's so unkind.
Where is he? He ignores me.
He loves me. He hates me.
He hates me! He hates me!! He HATES ME!!!
He called me a whore thru a smile
Told me my dreams aren't worthwhile
He claimed he was loyal
I felt like his Yo-Yo
I was so confused… so confused
He cuddled to me till I let him use
My limp body for pleasure
But the pleasure was his…
Not mine.
I just laid & cried
Why? Why!?
Why ME? Why Beth??
The only thing better than this is death
& I prayed for it.
He smothered me
With negativity
How long could I live in that agony
He loved me. He hated me.
I was blinded by the tender moments
As he rubbed me feet…
Convincing me that he loved me
But he hated me.
He pushed me away
But he hated me enough to make me stay
& I did.
He wanted to keep me in misery
He loved the company…

(Fuckin'A that felt good!)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


    Look at me with love, unconditional
    All accepting, and respectable
    I bask in your silence… get lost in your breath
    …Drift away to a heaven unequaled to the rest

    See in me the one you’ve searched for all your life
    See in me the beauty embraced only by the sky
    The sun rises in your eyes, it sets in mine
    Too soon, is the end of time

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Batter up?

Being a single girl is hard! It really takes a lot of work. A. Lot.

If we have any chance of scoring a man we have to have perfect hair, soft skin, painted nails, and pretty eyes. We have to wax, primp, get pedi's, smell nice, look thin, wear heels, and eat salad. We have to use manners, do yoga, karate, Pilate's and stick rice cakes up our ass. And doing all this does not even guarantee that they will like us.. at all.

But a man... a man, well all HE has to do is show up, belch, nod his head, scratch his nuts and say, "Sup?", and we are all about it. He can ignore us, use us, forget about us and here we sit... thinking maybe, just maybe he is going to call.

How the hell did we get here? Who can we blame for this shit? Our fathers for not telling us we are worthy of respect, admiration, and love? Who forgot to teach us to be strong and stubborn? Who left the order of self-worth off the manifest? Can we get a refund?

They say that you have to play the game if you want to win, but just how many innings is this shit?! What will become of the ladies who wait it out? The ones who put their all into everything and believe with all their hearts that at some point - somewhere there is really a trophy at the end of all of it?

Is there someone for everyone? Or is everyone just a someone looking for the one that may or may not exist?

Batter up....the game is starting.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

beth, i am

                     if there was ever a time to not be a quitter

                     it would be now, before i turn bitter

             pissed because i did it, disappointed in me

             for not becoming what i know i can be

                                                            because i can        beth, i am

                                  that old, scared soul

                                  relinquished control

                                                   & let itself fly free

                                                   everything i ever dreamed for me

                                                            because i can beth, i am

                                                                     no more fears, no more needless tears

                                                      i'm here.

                                making the most of it while i can

                                                                      beth, i am

Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Shitty Situation

I met Philly 10 years ago on Yes. I was that girl. The white girl on the black dating site. Hey, that's what I was into; I got a lot of attention there, but I was completely clueless on how to read between the lines.

I didn't think it was a big deal that I had to pick him up for our first date. I drove roughly 30 miles to get to him.
I didn't think it was a big deal that I picked him up at the end of a street. I had no idea where he lived.
Meh... details.

We clicked right away. We had similar humors and liked a lot of the same stuff. We got to the bar and sat in a booth across from each other. A few minutes went by, he jumped up and exclaimed, "I'm sorry, but I have to sit by you!" He came to my side of the booth and we started making out. I am not one for public displays of affection typically, but it was hot! Unmatched chemistry, him and I. I brought him home with me that first night and we hooked up.

The next morning I had to take my mother to the airport. It just so happened that Philly lived by the airport. So.... yeah. Mom got to meet my one night stand. She was graceful, he was polite and I was totally mortified. Philly and I said our goodbyes, he told me he would call. He didn't. I did not hear from him again for an entire month.

He left me a voicemail one day while I was at work. He went on and on about me being so awesome, and him being scared and freaking out because I was exactly what he was looking for. Do you know how many times I have heard that bullshit?! But me... being the clueless girl ate it up and forgave him.

I heard from him again a week later. This was how it went for the next month. Him leaving me voicemails when he knows I was not home. He did get ahold of me one night, he called at 1am. He wanted to come over. I let him. The next weekend the same, and also the one after. I had become the
booty call bitch he called while he was leaving the bar.

I decided to stop hooking up with him after the 4th time we had sex. He was fucking lousy at it! I couldn't understand how we could have so much chemistry yet have such awful sex! The biggest issue was he only cared about himself... Cum and go. Literally. I felt like a fucking drive-thru and it infuriated me so I told him to get lost.

A few months later he reached out to me again. Seriously? This dude had balls of steel! Oh but this time was different, he said. This time he was serious, he said. This time he
was going to take me on a real date. He was even going to drive! Ooooh, wow.

And.....I let him. What the hell, right? I mean I'll go out, I won't have to drive, I'll get some free drinks and not invite him in when he drops me off. That was the plan. He picked me up, score! He opened my door, score!  We went inside the bar and he paid for my drinks, score! He drops me off at home, but stops me as I was getting out of the car. He asked to come in.

And....I let him. We step inside, we go to my room, he gives me his best five-pump-chump effort, and he gets up. I hear the front door shutting as I am sitting on my bed wondering what the fuck just happened!? I look at my clock... it's only been 5 minutes! Five minutes. From the entry into the house, to the entry into me, to the slamming of the door.
Five minutes. FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!!

I started laughing hysterically. I sat at the end of my bed laughing at him, the whole situation, and myself. I started to move back to lay down and I see something out of the corner of my eye.
With my fingers less than an inch from the vision, I look a little closer. What is that on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets? No...really!!! What the fuck is that on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets?!?!


It was shit! That dirty, sick dude had left so fast there were skidmarks on my sheets. Skidmarks!!!!! On my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets!!!

Ain't that some shit?! Can you believe that shit?! Shit, that's some sick shit!

He called me one more time. He called to tell me that I was not his "type". Oh??? I'm not your type?!
All I could say was... "Well that's a  shitty thing to say... and speaking of shit, you left some on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Wipe your god damn ass you shitty ass mother fucker!"

Dead silence followed by a quiet click.

I got new sheets.

Let's hope he got new toilet paper...