Tuesday, December 17, 2013

blondes have more fun?

the bling bling
of my ring
stung his eyes
to his surprise
he fell
under my spell
yet he lives to tell
a story of love
that’s more than enough
for anyone
blondes have more fun

anyway, back to the tale
he was in the county jail
no hopes for bail
he sat & thought
’bout life a lot
his kids & family
started feelin’ manly
wanted a change
there I was one day
to lift up his frown
he was always around
sprung on my style
fascinated by my smile
so we moved on in
& that’s where the happiness ends

blondes have more fun?
no not me-he was on the run
on the go
so, no
this blonde paid the tolls
paid the price
to live that life
but now I’m done
how do blondes have more fun?

it started with lies
where he was each night
stayin' out past midnight
while I made his kids mine
became a parent to two girls
changed my whole world
quit my job to stay
home & play
with everyone’s kids
that’s all I did
smokin’ the weed
givin’ into the greed
that surrounded me
inhaled the white
almost every night
never relaxed
he use to ask
why'd I throw up all night
"it’s the beer, alright?"
"I drank way too much"
he bought that stuff
he bought my lies
then charged me for the demise
of that love so sweet
by degrading me
callin’ me a whore
wonderin' if I loved him anymore
treating me as if I walked on fours
am I the same as our dog?
as dumb as a log?
his shit was thicker than fog
clouded my vision
with his evil mission
so the answer is NO, I’m done!
how do blondes have more fun?

his hate sunk in
now I’ll never win
this race
he left me with a bitter taste
one of sickness & pain
I’ll never be the same
my innocence?-stripped!
button my lips
shut & locked
my instincts?-blocked!
steal my breath
this is the end of beth
let the darkness suffocate
no reviving-it’s too late
I can see the gate
of Heaven, and I DESERVE IT!
for living thru it
hell on earth
am I the first
to lose my life in the game of love?

how do blondes have more fun?


...As I lay here, eyes still closed
I feel your breath on my lips
You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave…
You told them I was the one
I was distant & cold... how can I believe you?
But I put my head on your shoulder
As you pulled me closer…

Eyes open. I can’t see you
But I feel you laying here
I hear your heartbeat…feel your soul
My tears, they fall… And I want you to go
Take the memory of us when you leave
Take your scent with you too
Can’t bear to recall the feel of your chest
I can smell you as I dress
Every song I hear is ours

You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave...

Monday, December 16, 2013

what perk?

Today I read on Facebook that a guy I met online (and saw once) is engaged. Granted, we did not click in any way, nor was he even close to being my type... but really?!

My best friend of 13 years is also engaged. I am stoked for her, but she has spent our entire friendship trying to convince me that no one is meant to be monogamous. So... really?!

I have one sister who is twice married & divorced, another that is still married. I have friends that have been married two or more times! Really?!

I've never even been engaged. Hell I've never even had a relationship based on REAL love! Fuck, let's face it... I can't even get a DATE!!! Yet here all these people are... doing what I want to do. Getting what I want. Wearing pretty rings and shit.

Will it ever happen for me? Any of it?

Who's going to sit in a rocking chair with me and reminisce about how gas only cost us $3 per gallon 'back in the day'?
Who will push my wheelchair, comb my long grey hair, and trim my old toe nails? Who's gonna pick out my urn and tell stories about me? Won't I get the senior discount at the early bird special with my sweetheart? Won't I have the door held for me as I pass thru with my walker?

Won't I get any of those perks??

Will I ever have an anniversary? Certainly not a silver one.. or a gold. What about paper?

This is bullshit! This is a conspiracy, I just know it. I'm being Punked, right?!! Candid Camera?  The Twilight Zone??

I'm over this. Totally over it! So fuck it! I'm going to go put my hair in pigtails, dance around my house naked eating chocolate listening to Taylor Swift.

I suppose that's the perk of being single...

Sunday, December 15, 2013

some days, some times

some days I'm in a great mood
some times I can't fake it
it's better to spare the grief
than share my stupid belief
that my life sucks
'cuz it doesn't

some days my mind will run
& trip & fall & run again
some times it hurts
some days I let myself down
& put myself down, & frown
& scowl & whine
but some days, some times

I dream. I fly. I try.
I reach. I grin. I win.
& when I win & grin & reach
& try & fly, I dream!
& dreaming...
dreaming helps me get by
some days, some times

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Hello, forty something...

On this, the eve of my 41st birthday, I sit here with a smile on my face. I'm surprised at this. I was, after all, miserable all day long.

Why? I seemed to be taking this harder than when I turned 40. Turns out... that shit was a breeze!

I thought maybe it was because I am a getting older. But then I realized I am just getting better.

I thought that maybe it was because I have never been married nor have I given birth to a child. But then I noticed how free I am.

I thought that maybe it was because I do not have much more than I did last year at this time. But then I remembered everything I have accomplished.

I wrote 6 books. 4 of which I published and sold! I travelled to NYC, LA, Vegas, Nashville, Austin, Silverthorn CO, and Steamboat Springs. I worked my fucking ass off and got a promotion!

I gave love. I received love. I found out that I mattered to people. I found out that someone admires me. I lost 46 pounds! I started this blog. I planted flowers that bloomed all season.

I made new friends & reconnected with old ones. I laughed so hard I cried. I made others laugh too! I biked in Vail, Colorado. I hiked in the mountains with some of my favorite people in the entire world.

I explored myself and became a better person. I gave to charity. I forgave. I was forgiven. I smiled at strangers and helped the helpless.

So you see... I have no reason to be sad. Not one single reason.

I'm ready now.. Ready to embrace my day tomorrow.

Hello, forty-something! HELLO!