Thursday, March 20, 2014

sadness

it's the kind of sadness 
that paralyzes your soul
it's the waiting & hoping & praying
& there's absolutely no
cure.
not an instant one, anyway
so now what?
resume a life full of laughs?
ya can't really get much better than that..
but ... this sadness
it's so deep
it consumes entire beings
this sadness is terrifying
life changing
living in the unknown
feeling alone
& the only thing that you DO know
is that it hurts real bad
so so bad
and that just makes the sadness
that much more sad

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I LOVE YOU

A letter to myself in an empty book
Just asks why
I can’t get by
I don’t need your approval
To conquer removal
With the wave of my hand
I’ll do what I can

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.

I think I’ve lost you for good
But if there’s a chance... We could?
Well, no, that won’t do
I’m trying to break away from you
So why call each other up?
And continue to discuss?
It’s just…..

I can’t release this hold on you
No matter what we’re going thru
I’ll fall from grace, but I’ll admit it’s true
I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU !

I see thru water
Every time I bother
With actions that hurt me
And bruise me so perfectly.

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.

 
 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentine Box

I think Valentines Day is a crock of shit! I will proudly admit to being bitter, so there is no need for you to wonder. I fucking hate the day. The roses, the candies, the barf-inducing, sappy cards. Of course I've had many memorable V-days... It's just that they are memorable in the wrong ways.

My first real boyfriend showered me with flowers. He gave me the biggest teddy-bear I'd ever seen. I was thrilled! Thrilled 'til I learned that he had stole it. All of it. Like straight out of a store in the middle of the night. Nice, huh?

My next boyfriend did not celebrate anything. Not a birthday, not Christmas.. and of course not Valentines Day. That is... until he did. I walked into my job to find a huge basket filled with stuffed animals & chocolates topped with a huge balloon. (Think mini-hot air balloon.) I was shocked! Surprised! Excited! Until he admitted that he, too, had used his 5-finger discount. Seriously?! More stolen shit? This was years after I received the other "hot" goods. Different time, different man... same lame result.

After 5 years with boyfriend B, I moved away to start a new life. He was not happy with that choice. Not at all. He told me I ruined his life by making that choice. He told me that I was stupid for making that choice. He "promised" that he was the only one that would EVER love me... So by making that choice we broke up. We broke up for about 48 hours. (Funny thing about choices, huh? If only I would have made another...)

A year and a half into our long-distance relationship Valentines Day came out to play. This time I worked in a bank. I was a professional in a professional environment. I was in the lunch room when I got a frantic call from the front line. I was needed in the lobby. Immediately. When I got there I saw 5 co-workers standing in a circle; they were all staring at a huge box.

The box was addressed to me. The box was big enough to hold a person; or two.
The box had drawings, obviously done by a child, on one side. (To be honest it looked a little sadistic.) The box's three other sides were plastered with ads from a department store. What department? Oh... the underwear one. Like no shit: bras, panties, nighties... Horrified me and my pal pushed the box into a side office. Everyone gathered around. They wanted to see what was inside!

Embarrassingly, the box gets opened. One helium filled balloon floated out slowly; it was attached to 2 limp ones. There were brightly colored sweat suits covering a home bath spa, some candy, a card with no envelope, and several photos; photos that I had when I moved away from him. (They were missing when I un-packed.) Stolen things yet again. W.T.F.

The card had writing in it. A poem. A real intimate one describing sexual acts and expressing feelings. It was not signed... nor was it written by him. It was in cursive, female handwriting; that of my former bff that was now living with him. (That's a whole other story.. maybe I'll tell you later.)

I was furious! How tacky is this fucking box?! I ran back to the break room to make a call. It went something like this:
Me: What the fuck is with this box?!?!!?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Are you fucking serious right now with the naked women on the outside of it and the card and...
Him: Shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch! I spent $50 to have that shipped so you would get it today! You're such a fucking bitch! You don't appreciate shit!
CLICK - He hung up.

I didn't know what to do with myself. When I got home that night I was still embarrassed, still pissed off. I took pen to paper (my natural outlet for angst) and wrote my own poem. I few days later we finally talked and I read it to him. He didn't like it.

Yes. This was years ago. Ten years ago to be exact. Have I celebrated Valentines Day since? Sure.. I've had dinners with my friends, etc. But no memory, no amount of friends or fun can erase what this "holiday" means to me. In short, it means jack shit! Sorry if that offends you romantics. But to my fellow cynics I'd like to say: Cheers! Keep on hatin' I am right beside you!

Here's the poem I wrote... I can't believe he hated it.


Valentine Box
 
 
         I could almost be paranoid enough
                        To think you’re trying to kill me.
 
A gift for my bath that plugs into the wall?
Knowin’ water  &  ‘lectricity don’t mesh at all.
 
The chocolate to eat could be ten years old.
It’s hard as a rock and covered in mold.
 
The balloons filled with poison air?
Two deflated inside there!
 
A poem to make my heart beat with love.
I could almost be paranoid enough………….
 
My heart attacks with anger
It’s the worst k i n d  o  f    p   a   i   n      u    h!
                        I think you’re trying to kill me.
 
                        You should know by now, that gifts ain’t shit
                        A personal touch makes loneliness quit.
                        A thought wrapped in intimacy
                        That’s the kind of present I need.
                        I don’t need a reminder
                        That you lay down beside her.
 
My body attacks with anger
It’s    t h e      wo   r  st      k  ind       of       pa   i        n                       U        H!
I think you’re trying to kill me.
 
 I don’t know you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I’m so confused
I stumble through... wondering
                            
 I don’t trust you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I am a question mark....left pondering
 
 I don’t believe you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
You’ve overstepped your boundary
 
I know you're trying to kill me
 
(c) 2003



 

Thursday, February 6, 2014

my rap

Mi amor?
I don’t adore
you more than before
see, I ain’t a whore
but I like to score
then I’m out tha door
don’t really know myself anymore

what I’ve become
from
what I’ve done
dam I had fun
but I’m tha one
to be on tha run  

believe this shit
I give what I get
figure it out yet?
I’m a sure bet
come throw it down
I’ll keep ya around
remember my sound
drifting onto your grounds

I don’t drink from half tha glass
top mine off, do it fast
I want tha feeling to last
I’ll giggle
just a little
mess up a riddle
tha rumble in my tummy
made me kinda chubby
swallowed most of tha world
tryin’ to be a girl
that posses it all
goin’ thru changes
despite what my age is
curiosity’s contagious

payday-ha! what a joke
I’m still broke
gone before I make it
bill collectors take it
be happy? well I fake it
my ass? I’d like to shake it
bills are cake? believe I bake it

step to tha front
smoke a blunt
get what I want
change my font
I’ll print tha words
not in cursive, ya heard?
am I disturbed
or just perturbed
‘bout tha dollas I burn?

maybe I’m pissed
last one on tha list
do you want to kiss
my ass or my fist?
am I dreamin’? Just pinch
my cheek and let me know
if you can keep up with my flow
I think tha answer might be no
so dude, just let it go

I'll put a mirror on tha ceiling
to bring out freaky feelings
but I don’t just have flings
I make ‘em jump thru rings
I’m tha one to rock tha boat
leave u drownin’ in a mote
with no remote
to watch TV
or a floor to get on your knees
to beg me to stop
I’m over tha top
bet you’d like it a lot

I’m supa dupa like missy
kinda fun kinda prissy
I am just who I am
a sassy chic with an alternate plan
took my first breath on the fifth of December
came out bravin’ tha winter
inhaled the ice
on the first day o’ my life
became the sweet, sexy me
lasting longer than eternity

Monday, February 3, 2014

tippy toes (2002)

why be married and cheat
turn your back around & creep
think he’ll turn the other cheek
& forget that you’re a freak
no one’s stuck
you still have luck
don’t give me that shit
quit yankin’ on dick

I’ll never understand
how you come home to a man
that you can barely stand
& lie all you can
you walked down an aisle
now you’re swimming in denial
you’ll get caught after while
'cuz that shit goes outta style

I won’t pat you on the head
smile at everything you said
but I’ll write it out with lead
let you READ my word instead

you no-good fuckin’ hoes
that walk around on tippy toes
I’ll put you into rows
and in your face I’ll throw
just a simple phrase
‘bout life these days
the ultimate price to pay
a four-letter word called AIDS
if you opened your eyes
quit pretending you are blind
maybe you would see
this world full of disease

you’re adding to the list
all the people that you kiss
you subject yourself to this
you have no right to be pissed
when it blows up in your face
& your life becomes replaced
with a past you can’t erase
you wasted all that cash
on a love that didn’t last
you jumped at the chance
to go out and run the streets
and try to be discreet
but you got weights on your feet
you’re starting to slow
got nowhere to go
& now you know

that being a no-good fuckin’ hoe
that walks around on tippy toes
will be among those
that no one wants to touch
there’s no one left to love
you just ran out of luck

 


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

let go

it's not the walking away
it's the letting go
it's the time that moves too slow
it's the constant reminders
that bind us
that blind us
so...
just let go

it all sounds so easy
let the invisible pain float away on a wing and a prayer
can you see it there it goes...
but wait who are you praying to
the unseen source
your very own version of a god
because we all have to believe in something to get anything
and to believe you have to be open
and to be open you have to be free
and only when you are free can you
let go.

so just do it










 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

dirty girl

Drive-thru is open till 5 am
I know cuz', that’s when I roll in
takin' off my clothes on the way up the stairs
reach my room-down to underwear
when the moment reaches, I envision you
as dim as the light, you see me too.
your head looks like a milk dud, so now I’m craving chocolate
your finger like a lollipop, I just want to suck it

I’m a dirty girl
I'll rock your world
you’ll know for sure
when your toes curl
I'll bite your lip
if we’re hip to hip
when we’re cheek to cheek
our bodies speak

A’ lil suck here & a ‘lil suck there
a ‘lil lickin’ downstairs
quench my thirst
you ain’t my first
suck my toes
kiss my nose
nibble on my earlobes
you’ll make me explode
touch my feet
tell that I’m pretty
yell a’loud, it’s just you & me
I wanna be your teacher
learn you a lesson
play hide & seek
and keep you guessin’
got tricks up my shirt
as you look up my skirt
no one will get hurt
just get to work

hit it from the back
can you see my cat?
where the pillow at?
this is tit for tat
lay on your back
take down your pants
no, wait… let me do that
I’ll taste the wand
your time’s begun
this is lots of fun
& I’m not a nun
I’m a dirty girl
I’ll rock your world

it’s so wet & tight
do it all night
you picked it right
being here tonight
make me blush
ain't gotta rush
I like this stuff
can’t get enough

shut the door
give me more
get on the floor
it’s what I’ve waited for
keep my stare
pull my hair
I don’t care
if you touch me there
say my name
let’s play a game
don’t be tame
do it again
flip me over, do it sideways
have it your way

underneath
our bodies speak
when we’re cheek to cheek

what nothing’s will you whisper?
how softly will you kiss her?
will you swell with pride?
it’s getting hard to hide
the lingering scent
and the taste of my sweat
my feet hang off the bed
my toes are painted red
remember what I said…

I’m a dirty girl
I’ll rock your world
you’ll know for sure
when your toes curl
I’ll bite your lip
if we’re hip to hip
when we’re cheek to cheek
our bodies speak

I’m a dirty girl

(c)2002

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

blondes have more fun?

the bling bling
of my ring
stung his eyes
to his surprise
he fell
under my spell
yet he lives to tell
a story of love
that’s more than enough
for anyone
blondes have more fun

anyway, back to the tale
he was in the county jail
no hopes for bail
he sat & thought
’bout life a lot
his kids & family
started feelin’ manly
wanted a change
there I was one day
to lift up his frown
he was always around
sprung on my style
fascinated by my smile
so we moved on in
& that’s where the happiness ends

blondes have more fun?
no not me-he was on the run
on the go
so, no
this blonde paid the tolls
paid the price
to live that life
but now I’m done
how do blondes have more fun?

it started with lies
where he was each night
stayin' out past midnight
while I made his kids mine
became a parent to two girls
changed my whole world
quit my job to stay
home & play
with everyone’s kids
that’s all I did
smokin’ the weed
givin’ into the greed
that surrounded me
inhaled the white
almost every night
never relaxed
he use to ask
why'd I throw up all night
"it’s the beer, alright?"
"I drank way too much"
he bought that stuff
he bought my lies
then charged me for the demise
of that love so sweet
by degrading me
callin’ me a whore
wonderin' if I loved him anymore
treating me as if I walked on fours
am I the same as our dog?
as dumb as a log?
his shit was thicker than fog
clouded my vision
with his evil mission
so the answer is NO, I’m done!
how do blondes have more fun?

his hate sunk in
now I’ll never win
this race
he left me with a bitter taste
one of sickness & pain
I’ll never be the same
my innocence?-stripped!
button my lips
shut & locked
my instincts?-blocked!
steal my breath
this is the end of beth
let the darkness suffocate
no reviving-it’s too late
I can see the gate
of Heaven, and I DESERVE IT!
for living thru it
hell on earth
am I the first
to lose my life in the game of love?

how do blondes have more fun?

Go

...As I lay here, eyes still closed
I feel your breath on my lips
You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave…
You told them I was the one
I was distant & cold... how can I believe you?
But I put my head on your shoulder
As you pulled me closer…

Eyes open. I can’t see you
But I feel you laying here
I hear your heartbeat…feel your soul
My tears, they fall… And I want you to go
Take the memory of us when you leave
Take your scent with you too
Can’t bear to recall the feel of your chest
I can smell you as I dress
Every song I hear is ours

You came to me last night in a dream
But didn’t leave...
 

Monday, December 16, 2013

what perk?

Today I read on Facebook that a guy I met online (and saw once) is engaged. Granted, we did not click in any way, nor was he even close to being my type... but really?!

My best friend of 13 years is also engaged. I am stoked for her, but she has spent our entire friendship trying to convince me that no one is meant to be monogamous. So... really?!

I have one sister who is twice married & divorced, another that is still married. I have friends that have been married two or more times! Really?!

I've never even been engaged. Hell I've never even had a relationship based on REAL love! Fuck, let's face it... I can't even get a DATE!!! Yet here all these people are... doing what I want to do. Getting what I want. Wearing pretty rings and shit.

Will it ever happen for me? Any of it?

Who's going to sit in a rocking chair with me and reminisce about how gas only cost us $3 per gallon 'back in the day'?
Who will push my wheelchair, comb my long grey hair, and trim my old toe nails? Who's gonna pick out my urn and tell stories about me? Won't I get the senior discount at the early bird special with my sweetheart? Won't I have the door held for me as I pass thru with my walker?

Won't I get any of those perks??

Will I ever have an anniversary? Certainly not a silver one.. or a gold. What about paper?

This is bullshit! This is a conspiracy, I just know it. I'm being Punked, right?!! Candid Camera?  The Twilight Zone??

I'm over this. Totally over it! So fuck it! I'm going to go put my hair in pigtails, dance around my house naked eating chocolate listening to Taylor Swift.

I suppose that's the perk of being single...
 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

some days, some times

some days I'm in a great mood
some times I can't fake it
it's better to spare the grief
than share my stupid belief
that my life sucks
'cuz it doesn't

some days my mind will run
& trip & fall & run again
some times it hurts
some days I let myself down
& put myself down, & frown
& scowl & whine
but some days, some times

I dream. I fly. I try.
I reach. I grin. I win.
& when I win & grin & reach
& try & fly, I dream!
& dreaming...
dreaming helps me get by
some days, some times

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Hello, forty something...

On this, the eve of my 41st birthday, I sit here with a smile on my face. I'm surprised at this. I was, after all, miserable all day long.

Why? I seemed to be taking this harder than when I turned 40. Turns out... that shit was a breeze!

I thought maybe it was because I am a getting older. But then I realized I am just getting better.

I thought that maybe it was because I have never been married nor have I given birth to a child. But then I noticed how free I am.

I thought that maybe it was because I do not have much more than I did last year at this time. But then I remembered everything I have accomplished.

I wrote 6 books. 4 of which I published and sold! I travelled to NYC, LA, Vegas, Nashville, Austin, Silverthorn CO, and Steamboat Springs. I worked my fucking ass off and got a promotion!

I gave love. I received love. I found out that I mattered to people. I found out that someone admires me. I lost 46 pounds! I started this blog. I planted flowers that bloomed all season.

I made new friends & reconnected with old ones. I laughed so hard I cried. I made others laugh too! I biked in Vail, Colorado. I hiked in the mountains with some of my favorite people in the entire world.

I explored myself and became a better person. I gave to charity. I forgave. I was forgiven. I smiled at strangers and helped the helpless.

So you see... I have no reason to be sad. Not one single reason.

I'm ready now.. Ready to embrace my day tomorrow.

Hello, forty-something! HELLO!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

tear

i see you
i feel you
ready to fall
but i won't let you
i promise

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Today

It's days like Today that bring reminders

of the distance I've travelled, what I've overcome, what I've begun.

It's days like Today where the who what and whys

no longer compromise the ability to follow my heart free of all ties.

It's days like Today where being exactly who I am is good enough.

It's days like Today that I feel nothing but love

for myself...

Friday, November 8, 2013

The Disney Effect

As young girls, we get an idea embedded deep within us that says we have to have the life of a fairy princess. Someone to rescue us, deliver us, fight, work, and yearn for us. You know, the "find your mate and procreate" idea. The big wedding, the new house, the 3 kids. You know.. "every girl's dream". But there are some of us that are totally not buying that shit. We know, for fact, that life is not that easily tied up into a bow with a side of cupcakes, flowers, and perfection. It just ain't the truth.

Take me, for instance. I have been single for 10 years. Ten (10) whole years. Okay, yes... there were men here and there but no one significant. I am going to turn 41 years old in less than a month. I have no children and live in a house by myself. But... I am perfectly happy. I have a sweet dog, super fun-tastic, amazing friends and family. I have a successful career, I make good money, and I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Freedom. Independence.

So... why the hell do I have this nagging feeling that I need to have more, be more, want more? And I am not talking about the "more" that I really want more of. I'm talking "more" of what they want me to want. Okay so let's say I want to be a writer - full time, I'd like to have some romance in my life, I'd like to travel more.. blah blah blah. They want me to have kids, settle down, buy a house, & get married. Here is where my confusion sits: Who the fuck are "they"???

Tell me, someone.. anyone.. please. Who are "they"? "They" ain't my friends, my family. Not my co-workers, business acquaintances, neighbors. It's not me, either... so who the heck are these unseen forces putting this pressure on me? Good question, huh?

Maybe it is Walt Disney's fault. All those stories of true love, forever love. The ride-off-into-the-sunset love. No one knows what happened after that ride. Did Snow White really live happily ever after with the prince? Did they have kids? Did they settle down in a big, new castle forever and ever? They never once fought? Never even a slight disagreement? They had crazy good sex, all the money in the world, and only had eyes for each other? Forever?? And ever???

SMU (Sounds Made Up)

I am soooo rolling my eyes right now. I am just exhausted from the pressure. No, wait...I am exhausted from trying to find the root of the so-called pressure from the unseen world...the son of a bitch that implanted that seed in my brain that I have to find a charming rescuer and live ever-after with in a perfect lil bubble of joy and butterflies. That I must be this certain mold of a certain proto-typed princess that lives behind a white picket fence because it's time.. Time.

That seed... that planted seed is evil! It's counter-productive and idiotic! There is absolutely nothing wrong with NOT being married. NOT having the lil family and soccer fields, and PTA meetings and anniversaries, and family vacations. There is nothing wrong with being single, and happy and free. Free to laugh and play and make choices and try new things.

So guess what! "They" don't matter to me anymore. "They" don't even exist! And guess what else! I am perfectly imperfect in every way, and I am okay, OKAY? I am single, childless, successful, happy, loved, and admired. I'm a sister. A lover. A joker. A leader. A friend. A blank slate with infinite room for the things that I want. I... Me.

"They" can go fuck themselves. :)