Sunday, March 17, 2019

You Could...

After you left I asked you to look back
& see that maybe, just maybe...
you over-reacted
You actually said yes
but that there was "nothing you could do about it"

Well here's what you "could have done"...

You could have apologized
after you realized
that we could have worked it out

You could have looked me in the eyes
You could have admitted the truth
the truth that you let someone come between us

You could have been honest
You could have meant what you always said
You could have taken the time to process your thoughts

You could have loved me the way that I deserve
You could have seen the depths of my love
You could have treasured every moment
You could have made time
You could have chased your dreams, with me
You could have been open
You could have been fearless
You could have been a leader
You could have committed
You could have embraced change

You could have stayed

Am I going to hear from you in the future like I have the others?
In 6 weeks are you going to call?
In 3 months are you going to write?
In 15 years are you going to try to make it right?

You could... 

Feels

I hate when I feel this way...
When I feel like calling
When I feel like crying
When I feel like I'm dying 
from a broken heart

No. Hell no. Not tomorrow, not today
My heart still works...
No one broke shit!
This is just part of the ride
I'll only be here for a bit
I'll get over you
I'll get over it

How I Love You

I love you.

You're strong, capable, & smart.

I accept you.

Your scars make you who you are.

A shining star.

In my eyes... you are perfect.

Your heart so generous.

Your laugh contagious.

How I love you... How I love you.

Moments

I've experienced the most profound
the most beautiful
the most meaningful
moments
but I cannot repeat them
Not that I don't want to... I do!
They're just un-explainable

I can feel them
racing through my veins
awakening every cell
in my entire being
but I cannot share them
Not that I don't want to... I do!
they're just in-express-able 

(no title)

it was so cold 
& empty
when you left me
with a frozen heart
with a broken heart
with a confused mind
& too much time
to reflect
i felt like a reject
like i didn't matter
like you never cared
& wishing my heart could have been spared

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

(no title)

we were lost in translation
with opposite definitions
of dedication
with opposite means of transportation
to get to new destinations
so we disappeared into oblivion, forever lost
at least to each other

& it still hurts to remember
to face the facts
that you've never looked back
with regret 
that I'm gone
& that's wrong
at least to me

Friday, January 2, 2015

Once & For Fucking All


Once & for fucking all I'm letting  go of the past

I'm making friend-ships and love-ships guaranteed  to last

The negative voice in my head?

I killed her - she's dead!

No more "I can't-s" -  No more fear

Just more love - that's what I want to hear

I'm abundant and strong

No matter where I go, I belong!

So haters beware - watch me fly

I've got the world at my fingertips and a gleam in my eye
 
I did what I did, now I'll do what I do
 
To prove to myself... to make it true

So I say...

Once & for fucking all, it's over! I'm done!

Today is the start.... I've overcome

They said I couldn't

They said I wouldn't

Yet I did, I'm here

and once &  for fucking all my path is clear!

Once &  for fucking all I will be on top!

Once & for fucking all I will never stop!

Friday, November 21, 2014

love, divine

Good morning, my love
You’re a gift from above
Ya must’ve fallen straight from the sky
& into my life
but see the whole time….
I was searching the earth for you
Made a million wishes on stars and moons
But now, my heart, I let it lead me
And I know that’s how you came to be

You’re perfectly
My center of gravity
You were drawn to me
By possibilities

Was waiting for you
Made changes for you
So I could greet you
With an open heart
& open arms
And now you’re mine.
My love, divine

You’re mine you’re mine you’re mine…my love, divine

Hey there my love
My answered prayer from above
You’re a dream no more
Somehow…I knew I’d adore
Every single piece of you…from head to toe
So I thought I’d let you know
I’m completely into you
I just want the best for you

Became a reality
From my fantasy
Our love’s meant to be
And now you’re mine you’re mine you’re mine!
My love, divine
You’re mine you’re mine you’re mine… My love, divine


(Someday I'll read this to you in person...)

Thursday, June 5, 2014

selfish


maybe i am selfish
don't ask me my wish
maybe i'm rude
so stop testing me, dude

     i live in a bubble
     i live on my own
     if the world's in a rubble
     i don't even know

so what if i daydream?
so what if i'm mean?
who cares if i only think about me?
it's high time i started
& quit actin' retarded
i'll make my dream come true
i'm better than you.

i'm quick with the words, they come without thought
what do you do again? it seems i forgot
i'm stubborn and shallow, too fast on the draw
i didn't know you had feelings at all
i'm not interested, i know you can tell
besides, i really don't know you that well

i don't have a minute
to be up in it
i'm consumed with things
though i may pull your strings...
i want you to know

i am selfish.

no, i don't remember
that time last september
our anniversary?
that's news to me
has it been that long?
wow, two years have gone....

     i live in a bubble
     i live on my own
     if the world's in a rubble
     i don't even know

 i am selfish

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

tender hands

don't remind me
about the time we
only met at night...
we had to meet
down the street
to talk by dashboard light
forget the place 
you touched my face      
& stared into my eyes...
played our song
all night long
gave in to compromise

 
if I remember
your hands so tender
or your breath
against my flesh
my senses will fade
from the love we made
my senses will fade
my senses will fade

 
let's not recall
the time that fall
you carried me on your back...
rolled up our sleeves
played in the leaves
committed to the fact
don't let me say
how you had your way
& made my heart skip beats...
your body & mine
intertwined
& we surrendered to the heat
let's pretend
there's no rules to bend
let's deal with what's to be
don't hesitate
it's much too late
I refuse to believe....

 
that your breath
against my flesh
makes me remember
your hands so tender
my senses will fade
from the love we made
your hands so tender
I don't want to remember.

                                                           

 

Who's to say?


Who’s to say…

 
that I can’t be loud?
draw a crowd
‘cuz I’m proud
‘cuz I stand on my own 
or that I’m accident prone
things happen for reasons
so I change with the seasons.

 

Who’s to say…

 
That I haven’t won
by being on the run
or having a ton
of fun 
happy years-they last
they’re not all in the past
more to come
even when I come undone
bouncing back
is only the 2nd act
in this play
and on this stage.

 

Who’s to say…

 
I can’t be bitter 
but see, I ain’t a quitter 
I’m pushin’ on-followin’ my heart
ending one thing-to start
something new-a new part
building my castle
without any hassles.

 

So, who’s to say…

 
I don’t have everything I desire?
that I’m fire
repellent-there’s nothing to burn
except my ass till I take my turn?

 

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

DMFT


I know I am the self proclaimed Kisser of Frogs. I get it. It's been this way for years. (Almost 11 if you are counting.) Maybe I did something wrong in a past life that put me in this position. I've been on hundreds of dates/outings/meetings. I've suffered through some of the worst interactions a person can suffer through. I've been kissed by gray teeth. I've been used for sex - sex so awful that I'd been forced to cry out.. "Are you fucking kidding me?! That's all you've got?!" I've been stalked, harassed, &  followed. I've filed police reports. I've been blown off, stood up, disrespected.  I've taken one for the team time and time again, but I am over it! Do you hear me?? OVER. IT.

I'd like to know... how is it that nearly EVERY immature, douche-baggy, idiotic,  jobless, car-less piece of shit I have ever "dated" is now in a relationship?! How is this even possible? To be straight, NO, I was not/am not interested in these fools, BUT.... What the fuck!? It makes zero sense to me!

Here I stand with an amazing career, a place to call home,  more love to offer than the average person... yet I am SINGLE. Single! Like not even close to being in ANY type of ANYthing with ANYone! For fuck's sake, I cannot even score a decent date!

I could sit here and list all the amazing qualities I have but if you know me, you already know what they are. Not trying to be conceited or anything, but I got it going on! So how is it that I am constantly over-looked when it comes to relationships?

Sure sure, I know.. I should be counting my blessings. That not all relationships are perfect. That I am probably luckier than I even know because I have the ultimate freedom. I don't take this for granted. Trust me. I know full well how fortunate I am to be free from any and all drama associated with partnerships. But that does not answer my question: HOW are the men (boys in most cases) I've met/dated scored the very thing I crave when they are as close to imperfection as they come?!

I've often wondered this very thing. I've often thought about it, talked about it, wrote about it. And I am STILL at a loss. Does anyone know? Is this karmic retribution? What the fuck did I ever do that was that bad? I've paid my debts to the Universe ten-fold! I survived more abuse, more neglect, more negativity than I can even describe; at the cost of my own self, I'll have you know! Yet I still came out on the other side bitter-less. (Unless you count this rant, which by the way, I am fully entitled to!) I took all necessary steps to ensure that I was healed before bringing someone else into my life. I worked my ass off at that! So where the hell is my reward? Why are the morons that jump from one bad relationship to the next while being a fraction of a person the ones who have won?

I want to win, dammit! It's my fucking turn, Universe. I can no longer take this sitting down! I'm pissed, and rightfully so! Yes, I am really pissed. Yes, as soon as I get this out of my system I will probably be just fine. But for today, for now, for this very moment I would like to give a big, huge double-middle-finger-tribute to every lame sucker I've ever met and the Universe in which this was allowed to happen.

Double. Middle. Finger. Tribute.

DMFT!!!!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

sadness

it's the kind of sadness 
that paralyzes your soul
it's the waiting & hoping & praying
& there's absolutely no
cure.
not an instant one, anyway
so now what?
resume a life full of laughs?
ya can't really get much better than that..
but ... this sadness
it's so deep
it consumes entire beings
this sadness is terrifying
life changing
living in the unknown
feeling alone
& the only thing that you DO know
is that it hurts real bad
so so bad
and that just makes the sadness
that much more sad

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

I LOVE YOU

A letter to myself in an empty book
Just asks why
I can’t get by
I don’t need your approval
To conquer removal
With the wave of my hand
I’ll do what I can

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.

I think I’ve lost you for good
But if there’s a chance... We could?
Well, no, that won’t do
I’m trying to break away from you
So why call each other up?
And continue to discuss?
It’s just…..

I can’t release this hold on you
No matter what we’re going thru
I’ll fall from grace, but I’ll admit it’s true
I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU !

I see thru water
Every time I bother
With actions that hurt me
And bruise me so perfectly.

It’s funny you say
No one will love me the way
That you do
I hope that’s true.

 
 

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Valentine Box

I think Valentines Day is a crock of shit! I will proudly admit to being bitter, so there is no need for you to wonder. I fucking hate the day. The roses, the candies, the barf-inducing, sappy cards. Of course I've had many memorable V-days... It's just that they are memorable in the wrong ways.

My first real boyfriend showered me with flowers. He gave me the biggest teddy-bear I'd ever seen. I was thrilled! Thrilled 'til I learned that he had stole it. All of it. Like straight out of a store in the middle of the night. Nice, huh?

My next boyfriend did not celebrate anything. Not a birthday, not Christmas.. and of course not Valentines Day. That is... until he did. I walked into my job to find a huge basket filled with stuffed animals & chocolates topped with a huge balloon. (Think mini-hot air balloon.) I was shocked! Surprised! Excited! Until he admitted that he, too, had used his 5-finger discount. Seriously?! More stolen shit? This was years after I received the other "hot" goods. Different time, different man... same lame result.

After 5 years with boyfriend B, I moved away to start a new life. He was not happy with that choice. Not at all. He told me I ruined his life by making that choice. He told me that I was stupid for making that choice. He "promised" that he was the only one that would EVER love me... So by making that choice we broke up. We broke up for about 48 hours. (Funny thing about choices, huh? If only I would have made another...)

A year and a half into our long-distance relationship Valentines Day came out to play. This time I worked in a bank. I was a professional in a professional environment. I was in the lunch room when I got a frantic call from the front line. I was needed in the lobby. Immediately. When I got there I saw 5 co-workers standing in a circle; they were all staring at a huge box.

The box was addressed to me. The box was big enough to hold a person; or two.
The box had drawings, obviously done by a child, on one side. (To be honest it looked a little sadistic.) The box's three other sides were plastered with ads from a department store. What department? Oh... the underwear one. Like no shit: bras, panties, nighties... Horrified me and my pal pushed the box into a side office. Everyone gathered around. They wanted to see what was inside!

Embarrassingly, the box gets opened. One helium filled balloon floated out slowly; it was attached to 2 limp ones. There were brightly colored sweat suits covering a home bath spa, some candy, a card with no envelope, and several photos; photos that I had when I moved away from him. (They were missing when I un-packed.) Stolen things yet again. W.T.F.

The card had writing in it. A poem. A real intimate one describing sexual acts and expressing feelings. It was not signed... nor was it written by him. It was in cursive, female handwriting; that of my former bff that was now living with him. (That's a whole other story.. maybe I'll tell you later.)

I was furious! How tacky is this fucking box?! I ran back to the break room to make a call. It went something like this:
Me: What the fuck is with this box?!?!!?
Him: What do you mean?
Me: Are you fucking serious right now with the naked women on the outside of it and the card and...
Him: Shut the fuck up you ungrateful bitch! I spent $50 to have that shipped so you would get it today! You're such a fucking bitch! You don't appreciate shit!
CLICK - He hung up.

I didn't know what to do with myself. When I got home that night I was still embarrassed, still pissed off. I took pen to paper (my natural outlet for angst) and wrote my own poem. I few days later we finally talked and I read it to him. He didn't like it.

Yes. This was years ago. Ten years ago to be exact. Have I celebrated Valentines Day since? Sure.. I've had dinners with my friends, etc. But no memory, no amount of friends or fun can erase what this "holiday" means to me. In short, it means jack shit! Sorry if that offends you romantics. But to my fellow cynics I'd like to say: Cheers! Keep on hatin' I am right beside you!

Here's the poem I wrote... I can't believe he hated it.


Valentine Box
 
 
         I could almost be paranoid enough
                        To think you’re trying to kill me.
 
A gift for my bath that plugs into the wall?
Knowin’ water  &  ‘lectricity don’t mesh at all.
 
The chocolate to eat could be ten years old.
It’s hard as a rock and covered in mold.
 
The balloons filled with poison air?
Two deflated inside there!
 
A poem to make my heart beat with love.
I could almost be paranoid enough………….
 
My heart attacks with anger
It’s the worst k i n d  o  f    p   a   i   n      u    h!
                        I think you’re trying to kill me.
 
                        You should know by now, that gifts ain’t shit
                        A personal touch makes loneliness quit.
                        A thought wrapped in intimacy
                        That’s the kind of present I need.
                        I don’t need a reminder
                        That you lay down beside her.
 
My body attacks with anger
It’s    t h e      wo   r  st      k  ind       of       pa   i        n                       U        H!
I think you’re trying to kill me.
 
 I don’t know you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I’m so confused
I stumble through... wondering
                            
 I don’t trust you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
I am a question mark....left pondering
 
 I don’t believe you.
From the way you wrapped it up,  to what you put inside.
You’ve overstepped your boundary
 
I know you're trying to kill me
 
(c) 2003