Sunday, November 3, 2013

Lessons in Love

I've heard it said that you should be careful what you wish for. That when wanting something you should be specific. I am inclined to agree with that statement.

I started wearing a rose quartz around my neck with the intent that it was going to bring me the love that I've been looking for. I'm 40, you know... and single. (And kind of over it). I wore it and basically willed it to bring me love. This rose quartz will bring me love; I repeated over, and over. I touched it all day long thinking love love love.. I wore it in my sleep, love love love. Every time someone asked me what it was I'd say it's my love attractor! I wore it for months. All day. All night. Love love love... I do believe that it worked but as it turns out, I should have been more specific about that word love. That funny little word!

I received a message on my dating profile from a man named William. Before I even read it I checked out his profile. This is the norm for me. I look at the pictures, read their self-descriptions, then I decide whether to reply or not. I cannot remember what his profile even said, and the pictures must have been acceptable because I answered him back. By the end of the day we had exchanged several emails and started texting. He called me the next morning at 7 am. He called me 11 more times before 4pm. True story. 12 times in 9 hours. Some I picked up, others I ignored. In between these calls & convos he was sending texts. I've done the internet dating thing for a while now. Too long, really. I know things. Those things must have been in deep disguise because none of this sent up the red flag.

On the 12th call he asked to meet me. Truth is, I already had dinner plans with a guy from the same dating site. I had been out with him a few times before, so I cancelled and agreed to meet William. I've never done that. Ever. You would have thought that he just won the lottery or found out his favorite band was going to take him on tour. I am not kidding you when I say that I have never (ever) in my life heard anyone THAT excited. And come on.. I am pretty freakin' awesome, but this was over the top! He called to ask me what I would be wearing; casual? Dressy? He called me to confirm the time; 6:30. He called me to tell me he was on his way; 30 minutes, tops. He called to say he was close; about 5 miles from the destination.

The destination was the local Kohl's parking lot. No, I do not make a habit out of meeting people in parking lots (it has never worked out for me), but this seemed like a decent compromise considering his first suggestion was to pick me up from my home. He is old fashioned like that. It's what he really wanted to do. I politely declined, making that the best decision I had made all day. He insisted on driving so I agreed. (Compromise, right?) It would be easy to find him, he said. After all, he had a big truck. That's what he called it. A. Big. Truck. No problem, I thought... I am nearly 6 ft tall. Big shmig!

I am not nervous at all as I pull out of my driveway. I take the 2 mile trek down to Kohl's kind of excited that I am going to meet someone new. Hey, he was giddy as hell about meeting me. This could be fun! Okay... now to look for his truck. He said I couldn't miss it. I stop at the intersection across the street from Kohl's and my attention is immediately drawn to the edge of the parking lot.

That's when I saw it. Yes, from across the 4 lane highway, through the traffic and landscaping. I see it. Big shmig? BIG SHMIG!?!? This was not a big truck! This was an enormous 10 ft monster from planet Holy Shit This Thing Is Huge!!! The closer I got the bigger it got. The bigger it got, the faster my heart raced. The faster my heart raced, the more I laughed. My jaw is in my lap, my eyes are budging out of my face and I am giggling so hard that I can barely breathe. I stop a few spaces away. What the..?? How am I ever going to get up in that thing????

Anxiety sets in as I look down at my clothes. Great. I am in a jean skirt. How am I going to pull this off? I don't see any steps. Do I need to park my car close and use the bumper? Should I just offer to drive? Should I follow him instead? Should I turn around and go home? All of those questions were immediately muted by who walked around the beast. What the hell is going on?? Is that.. no, it can't be.. Hey! Who the fuck is THIS?!

Now, I am not an overly critical person. I have many flaws and fully realize that everyone is special and beautiful in their own way. But this... this right here is just messed up! William must have done a "Throw-back Thursday" on his profile because the man that was walking towards me with open arms and excitement in his eyes was NOT the man in those pictures! I cringed as he hugged me then pulled away to assess the situation.

Let's see... dirty jeans. Awesome. Wrinkled t-shirt. Super. Neon earring. NEON EARRING?? Slicked back hair.. shaved sides... A mohawk? Wait, that slicked back hair is... long. Como say whaaaaat?? Is that a mullet? A mowhawk-mullet?! What the fuck is this, Sha-Na-Na the Revival?!?!?

Okay bethany... deep heavy sigh. What are you going to do? Are you going to run for your life? Get back in your car, close your eyes and tap your heels?? Or are you going to be polite and figure out a way to get your ass up in Godzilla's twin brother? How bad could it be? It's just a few hours. You can do this...can't you? I didn't want to make a scene or hurt his feelings so I decide to go with the flow and turn to him for answers. I say that it is obvious that I am not going to be able to get up there. He offers a boost. I laugh in his face. I am wearing a skirt; he does not need to be all up in my business! I ask for a ladder. He doesn't have one. He points to the "step". Step? You call that a step?? That is NOT a step! That is a piece of metal half the size of my foot. Oh, and it's 4 feet off the ground! 4 feet, a jean skirt, a mountain of regret and Lenny & Squiggy's long lost cousin. F.M.L.

He stands beside me insisting he can help me. I insist that I try by myself first. I fail. Rolling my eyes I turn to him and say ..."Fine.. okay.. help me." The boost actually did help. I was up there in no time... but then so was he! (?!) He was hovering over me as I sat in the seat. Close enough to feel his breath on my face. Blech! He wants to help me fasten my seat belt. I can do it...Oh I see... it's not a seat-belt, seat-belt. It's a harness... So when he said "fasten", he meant "strap." One arm under, the other arm under. Buckle on my chest, buckle on my lap. Tight buckles, by the way. I'm pretty sure I could have done this myself.. I'm pretty sure he brushed his hand on my boob purposely. I'm pretty sure that I am now strapped into this seat with zero chance of escape. I can't even sit up straight. Hannibal Bethany Lector, at your service!

He hops down, and jumps in the driver's seat. He starts the bad boy up and it rumbles like thunder. Tropical thunder. The serious kind... Is there not a muffler on this thing? Is there a motorcycle gang underneath us? The whole truck is throttling and bouncing but the only thing moving on me was my hair. Now I know the importance of the harness. All of a sudden I start coughing from fumes. Omg I may die in here! I turn to him and blurt out, "Dude, seriously! You cannot tell me that you take people places in this truck!" He claimed he did.

He turns to me and asks if I like Nine Inch Nails. I say yes so he blasts his stereo. When I say blast I mean sub-woofers behind the seats and 2 amplifiers! TWO! For a moment I thought I was actually at a Nine Inch Nails concert. I can't even hear myself breathe at this point. And I most definitely cannot hear him as he starts asking me questions. I reach over and turn the music down and tell him that if he wants to talk he's going to have to do it louder. (Or shut the fuck up.) I direct him to our destination, we park, and he passes me a bowl. Oh good... he is going to get me high. I need to be high right now. We smoke then decide to go in.

We ask the hostess for a table on the patio and while we wait we sit at the bar. William was touchy feely. I sat as still as I could. I tried to move away a little but he just moved closer. Finally our table is ready so we go to the patio. We are seated at a 4-top... a perfectly square table. I choose one of the seats. He does not. He chooses to move a chair from one of the other spots over into MY space to sit right next to me. The touching commences. He plays with my hair, touches my shoulder. I sit as stoic as a statue. My arms are crossed and I cannot even make eye contact with him. It's the hair. It's the fucking mul-hawk, neon earring, and grey teeth that's preventing eye to eye contact. My body language is screaming "leave me the fuck alone!" It becomes apparent that he does not read body language that well. The waitress notices, as does every other patron on the patio. William is 100% clueless. Ugh! I consider "going to the bathroom" and calling a cab to come scoop me up. I consider pulling the waitress aside and asking for her assistance. She already feels bad for me. She gave me the pity look. She can sense my total discomfort. She would surely help...

Instead, I start downing beer after beer to keep my hands and mouth busy. I don't want to talk. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to do anything at this point except run... fast! He asks me to look at him so he can see my eyes. He loves my eyes. They are soooo beautiful, he says. He tries kissing me on the lips. I turn my face and he gets my cheek. A few moments later he tries again, and fails. My cheek is as pissed as me at this point. Just how many times is this man going to try and fail?! Can't he catch my hint? I do NOT want his mouth anywhere near me, shit! All of a sudden he grabs my chin and pulls my face to his making direct contact with our mouths. I pull back immediately, shake my finger at him and say, "Uh-uh, honey. I am not into public displays of affection!"

He sits back, clearly offended. He starts spouting off... "Why not?! I don't see the big deal. I mean if I am with you and you are with me, then who cares what other people think?!" I say, "I do!" He says, "I don't, it's part of being with someone. What others think does not matter." I reply with, "Yeah... no. Still not into it." He slumps back into his seat and starts to pout. Sitting up again he says, "Well I am a very affectionate man and I was just trying to be myself." For the first time I look directly at him and say, "That's good. I want you to be yourself, of course! Just be YOURself to YOURself and leave MYself out of it! I am not into it, I never will be, so.... yeah."

He mumbles something that I cannot hear and I finish my beer then tell him I need to go. He reluctantly asks for the check and we leave. I had never been so excited to go home in my whole life. I practically run to his truck not even concerned about how I am going to get back up in the stupid thing. He manages to get in front of me, I assumed he was going to open the door for me. I was wrong. William comes at me, wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me within an inch of his face. He stands there holding me captive for a few moments while he tells me what a great time he had and how gorgeous I am. Then it happens... the lips come at me in slow motion. I arch my back as much as I can to avoid this to no avail. He makes contact. Our lips are touching and he is shoving his tongue in my mouth. A few seconds later I rip myself out of his killer grip and tell him it's time to go.

Gag reflexes at an all time high, I am back up in the beast being strapped in for the ride home. I can tell he is irritated by the way he is driving. He is running up on the ass of the car ahead of us and I call him a douche bag. He chuckles a little but but does not stop. We arrive at Kohl's and before the truck is at a complete stop, I am unstrapped and half way out. I jump down and walk quickly towards my car. He jumps down and follows me. He tells me again what an amazing time he had. (Um were we on the same date?!)

I take one more step towards my car and he once again jumps in front grabbing me around my waist. Oh fuck no! Not this... AGAIN?! Here come the lips... closer closer closer. I arch arch arch... Contact made. Tongue in mouth, the whole thing. The worse fucking de-je-vu I have EVER had!! This time I give him half the seconds of the first one before I push off and hop into my car. He lingers at my window.. I crack it and say thanks for the beers. He begs to see me again. I say bye bye and take off.

Sigh... I have escaped! Omg I am FREE!! I make my way through the lot to the exit and my phone starts ringing. It's him! What?! I am not even out of this lot! I just left the fool... and he is calling already? I ignore it. He calls back again.. ignored. What could he possibly want?? He calls a third time, and a fourth. He leaves a voice mail. He calls a 5th and a 6th time. I get a text. I get another text. And another... and another. Then I get a 7th call! 7 calls in less than 30 minutes??? Ignored! Now this is just getting creepy! Stalk much? I race home to hide, making sure he did not follow me.

I read the texts... "Hey I want to tell you what a great time I had. Call me." "I want to say goodnight! Call ME!" "(frown face)" "Call me!" When I am home and safe I listen to the voice mail. He is pissed! He demands that I call him immediately! He wants to say goodnight! Dammit! CALL ME!

Ahhhhhhhh!!!  I am 100% creeped the fuck out! Is he going to come look for me? Is he ever going to stop calling/texting? Can't he take the overly-obvious hint that I am NOT interested?! Am I in the Twilight Zone? If Superman exists, can he take me far far away? Calgon? Anyone??? I heard from William five more times over a 3 day period. I never replied. I suppose I could have just told him I was not interested but I was afraid to engage him in any way. I mean.. clearly he had issues.

I took that fucking rose quartz necklace off and hid it in my dresser drawer. I learned a valuable lesson this time. The lesson isn't: be careful what you ask for. The lesson isn't: if you ask for something, you just may get it. The lesson is: Be clear about what you ask for because you ARE going to get it.. whether you like it or not. Just remember to be specific!