Monday, October 21, 2013

the mind f*ck

When I was a little girl my older sister told me I was disgusting. She loathed the site of me.. my general presence irked her soul. These are my first memories. Not a special Christmas, not a favorite toy. No.... It's the nasty eyes and tortured moments she delivered to me every day. And so I felt hated, unwanted, and of course... disgusting. I entered this earth as a disregard. A flaw in the diamond of life.

At age 16 I almost got raped on the living room floor of my home by a guy I had met at the mall. The following Monday he walked into one of my classes at school. I ran out of the room and hid in the bathroom. No one ever came looking for me. I never showed up to that class again and no one noticed. I was invisible, finally.

When I was 17 I lost my virginity to a gang member while his 3 friends watched from the doorway. They laughed and snickered and teased. What did I care? It's not like I mattered.

My boyfriend started roughing me up when I was 19. We fought non-stop. I was back-handed, choked, kicked, shoved, thrown. Bruised faces, fat lips. He was a liar, a cheater. I miscarried his baby and he was nowhere to be found. He was a thief, a criminal. But no one else wanted me around. At least I had someone.

In my early 20's I whored myself out to anyone who would have me. I never got off, I never felt satisfied.. that is until they got off; when they got off it meant that I was worthy of attention and affection. Performing sexual acts was the only thing I had going for me. I was finally good for something... wasn't I?

The next stage of my life combined every scenario above; mixed in with the sick need for any type of attention, low self esteem, & the desire to matter (no matter what)... and played it on repeat. A broken record. My boyfriend never called me by name. I was "whore." He laughed at me, shamed me, and told me I was worthless. He thought I was disgusting. He told me I didn't matter. He used my limp body for pleasure and got off every time.

Now here I was...walking this earth believing all of the things I have heard & thought about myself. Worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted. Un-lovable, invisible, disgusting. Then I found out that none of it is true.

The self loathing, desperate, hateful thoughts that I was convinced were reality are not really...reality?!? What?! Are you seriously telling me that not one of those thousands of negative words and thoughts were true?? Not even one?! It was all a lie?

Look at all the time I've wasted. Decades of life wasted on a lie. On a belief that someone made up and attached my name to. It's not fair. It's fucking not fair. It's not fair that I suffered so hard for so long. It's miserable, ya know, to hate yourself. Let me just be clear here. It sucks! It sucks to get sucked into some one's terrible opinion about you. Do you hear what I am saying? Can you see the path? Born into an ugly reality that some stupid bratty kid created. Living in a daze taking hit after hit. Aching for something better but spiraling through the days still trapped by the lie.

The lie. I feel betrayed. I feel bitter. I am fucking pissed. What the hell am I going to do now? If everything I have "known" was a lie, then what's the truth?

Does this mean it gets to be whatever I want the truth to be.. for me?


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