Tuesday, June 18, 2013

The ComeBack Kid(s)


Life can be some what of a revolving door; full of people that come into our lives and stay, some that leave. But at times there are those who come, leave, and come back again. And again. Why?

I will probably never know. Most of the time I look at it from the perspective of: if it (they) are meant to be, it (they) will happen (be a permanent fixture). Thinking this way does not guarantee a painless departure when the time comes nor does it even come close to answering the question at hand. "Why?"

When I met SW I liked him off the bat; he had an edge and was not afraid to say what was on his mind. We chatted all day long via email and text for many days prior to meeting. We were in constant contact. He was the first white guy that I was actually interested in...in my whole life. He sure seemed to like me too, saying over and over that I was beautiful. He was unable to keep his hands to himself and frankly... it felt good to be touched. I was 3 years into self-enforced abstinence when this happened. He broke that on our 2nd "date". I was pretty disappointed in myself and I snuck out of his house at 3am like a ninja. Why?

All I ever wanted was to matter to someone. Anyone. I was sick of being disposable, the 'hit it & quit it' girl. These thoughts were racing through my head as I stumbled through his parking lot on my walk of shame. I was upset. I had not only broken my vow to myself, but I had put myself right back into the very place that I was working so hard to avoid: Being random. He texted me the next day asking why I left and I lied and said that I couldn't sleep. It was at this point that he stopped texting me...for days. I reached out to him to find out why and he completely flipped out on me. He was "busy". He had "things going on". How dare I question his silence?? I never responded. How could I?

Months went by and out of the blue he contacted me asking to talk. He apologized for his behavior and asked to see me. I asked him if his plan was to sex me up and then avoid me again. He said, "No. That would take balls of steel. I would not do that." But he did. Once again I became random. What the fuck?! At that point I chose to laugh it off to the world but on the inside I was hurt. What would make a person stop talking to me for months, then come back promising to be better just to stop talking to me again? Why?

Sadly that was not the first time something like that happened. It happened back when JD and I were dating. We had it all going on.. Mutual respect for each other, similar beliefs, interests, and laughter. So much laughter! We had been taking it slow because we wanted to have fun dating without confusing things with sex. It worked beautifully for 3 months until one night washed it all away. All of our laughs, time spent together, etc. was over with one night of drunken sex. Things were never the same after that. He, too, stopped the constant communication after that. He, too, came back a while later only to leave again. Why?

Really.. what purpose does any of this entry, exit, & re-entry serve? What is the lesson I am supposed to learn here? It's happened so many fucking times, what am I missing? I swear I could be so bitter because of all of this, yet some how.. some way.. I keep pressing on. I keep throwing myself out there and giving it the best I got. Why?

.... Because I'm not a quitter. Because I am determined. Because I believe that there are good, decent people in the world. Because I am me... the eternally hopeful girl that refuses to give up.

Maybe that's why it happens. To keep me focused and strong. To make me grateful and appreciative of the one who will come into my life and stay. Forever. Why?

Because I deserve it... Because like them, I am the comeback kid.