Saturday, June 1, 2013

A Shitty Situation

I met Philly 10 years ago on Yes. I was that girl. The white girl on the black dating site. Hey, that's what I was into; I got a lot of attention there, but I was completely clueless on how to read between the lines.

I didn't think it was a big deal that I had to pick him up for our first date. I drove roughly 30 miles to get to him.
I didn't think it was a big deal that I picked him up at the end of a street. I had no idea where he lived.
Meh... details.

We clicked right away. We had similar humors and liked a lot of the same stuff. We got to the bar and sat in a booth across from each other. A few minutes went by, he jumped up and exclaimed, "I'm sorry, but I have to sit by you!" He came to my side of the booth and we started making out. I am not one for public displays of affection typically, but it was hot! Unmatched chemistry, him and I. I brought him home with me that first night and we hooked up.

The next morning I had to take my mother to the airport. It just so happened that Philly lived by the airport. So.... yeah. Mom got to meet my one night stand. She was graceful, he was polite and I was totally mortified. Philly and I said our goodbyes, he told me he would call. He didn't. I did not hear from him again for an entire month.

He left me a voicemail one day while I was at work. He went on and on about me being so awesome, and him being scared and freaking out because I was exactly what he was looking for. Do you know how many times I have heard that bullshit?! But me... being the clueless girl ate it up and forgave him.

I heard from him again a week later. This was how it went for the next month. Him leaving me voicemails when he knows I was not home. He did get ahold of me one night, he called at 1am. He wanted to come over. I let him. The next weekend the same, and also the one after. I had become the
booty call bitch he called while he was leaving the bar.

I decided to stop hooking up with him after the 4th time we had sex. He was fucking lousy at it! I couldn't understand how we could have so much chemistry yet have such awful sex! The biggest issue was he only cared about himself... Cum and go. Literally. I felt like a fucking drive-thru and it infuriated me so I told him to get lost.

A few months later he reached out to me again. Seriously? This dude had balls of steel! Oh but this time was different, he said. This time he was serious, he said. This time he
was going to take me on a real date. He was even going to drive! Ooooh, wow.

And.....I let him. What the hell, right? I mean I'll go out, I won't have to drive, I'll get some free drinks and not invite him in when he drops me off. That was the plan. He picked me up, score! He opened my door, score!  We went inside the bar and he paid for my drinks, score! He drops me off at home, but stops me as I was getting out of the car. He asked to come in.

And....I let him. We step inside, we go to my room, he gives me his best five-pump-chump effort, and he gets up. I hear the front door shutting as I am sitting on my bed wondering what the fuck just happened!? I look at my clock... it's only been 5 minutes! Five minutes. From the entry into the house, to the entry into me, to the slamming of the door.
Five minutes. FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!!!

I started laughing hysterically. I sat at the end of my bed laughing at him, the whole situation, and myself. I started to move back to lay down and I see something out of the corner of my eye.
With my fingers less than an inch from the vision, I look a little closer. What is that on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets? No...really!!! What the fuck is that on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets?!?!


It was shit! That dirty, sick dude had left so fast there were skidmarks on my sheets. Skidmarks!!!!! On my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets!!!

Ain't that some shit?! Can you believe that shit?! Shit, that's some sick shit!

He called me one more time. He called to tell me that I was not his "type". Oh??? I'm not your type?!
All I could say was... "Well that's a  shitty thing to say... and speaking of shit, you left some on my 800 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets. Wipe your god damn ass you shitty ass mother fucker!"

Dead silence followed by a quiet click.

I got new sheets.

Let's hope he got new toilet paper...

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