me

how can I be the real me

when everyone expects me to be

the "me"

that they want to see?

why do I have to fake the smile?

why do I have to go the extra mile?

are they afraid I'll let them down?

sorry to disappoint

but I am sure you would see my point

if you were me..

the "me"

that just wants to be

me.

the mind f*ck

When I was a little girl my older sister told me I was disgusting. She loathed the site of me.. my general presence irked her soul. These are my first memories. Not a special Christmas, not a favorite toy. No.... It's the nasty eyes and tortured moments she delivered to me every day. And so I felt hated, unwanted, and of course... disgusting. I entered this earth as a disregard. A flaw in the diamond of life.

At age 16 I almost got raped on the living room floor of my home by a guy I had met at the mall. The following Monday he walked into one of my classes at school. I ran out of the room and hid in the bathroom. No one ever came looking for me. I never showed up to that class again and no one noticed. I was invisible, finally.

When I was 17 I lost my virginity to a gang member while his 3 friends watched from the doorway. They laughed and snickered and teased. What did I care? It's not like I mattered.

My boyfriend started roughing me up when I was 19. We fought non-stop. I was back-handed, choked, kicked, shoved, thrown. Bruised faces, fat lips. He was a liar, a cheater. I miscarried his baby and he was nowhere to be found. He was a thief, a criminal. But no one else wanted me around. At least I had someone.

In my early 20's I whored myself out to anyone who would have me. I never got off, I never felt satisfied.. that is until they got off; when they got off it meant that I was worthy of attention and affection. Performing sexual acts was the only thing I had going for me. I was finally good for something... wasn't I?

The next stage of my life combined every scenario above; mixed in with the sick need for any type of attention, low self esteem, & the desire to matter (no matter what)... and played it on repeat. A broken record. My boyfriend never called me by name. I was "whore." He laughed at me, shamed me, and told me I was worthless. He thought I was disgusting. He told me I didn't matter. He used my limp body for pleasure and got off every time.

Now here I was...walking this earth believing all of the things I have heard & thought about myself. Worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, unwanted. Un-lovable, invisible, disgusting. Then I found out that none of it is true.

The self loathing, desperate, hateful thoughts that I was convinced were reality are not really...reality?!? What?! Are you seriously telling me that not one of those thousands of negative words and thoughts were true?? Not even one?! It was all a lie?

Look at all the time I've wasted. Decades of life wasted on a lie. On a belief that someone made up and attached my name to. It's not fair. It's fucking not fair. It's not fair that I suffered so hard for so long. It's miserable, ya know, to hate yourself. Let me just be clear here. It sucks! It sucks to get sucked into some one's terrible opinion about you. Do you hear what I am saying? Can you see the path? Born into an ugly reality that some stupid bratty kid created. Living in a daze taking hit after hit. Aching for something better but spiraling through the days still trapped by the lie.

The lie. I feel betrayed. I feel bitter. I am fucking pissed. What the hell am I going to do now? If everything I have "known" was a lie, then what's the truth?

Does this mean it gets to be whatever I want the truth to be.. for me?

...

Bellhops

 I was damaged once. (Only once..?) A man broke me down mentally and emotionally. It sucked. No doubt, it really did. I tried to date right after that and it didn't work. How could I reach out with open arms to another person when I was so broken? When my hands, arms, and general aura were holding so much baggage? I still tried.. not realizing that it was not someone else's job to help me unpack. Not even realizing that I was dwelling on the past.

Here's the sitch... (situation)
Fresh out of a nasty breakup after 8 years of a nasty relationship I met a man. He was polite, nice, handsome, sexy, and into me. He was affectionate and romantic.... and I couldn't stand it! Where's the drama I was used to? The challenge? How was I going to fulfill my sick need for abuse with a man that was so attentive and kind? I recoiled at his touch. I wriggled out of his arms. I wouldn't (couldn't) even hold his hand. To me, this was no big deal. To him it was a deal-breaker. It's just... I wasn't used to positive attention. I was not accustomed to affection in any manner that did not involve a panting, sweaty man humping me while I wished I was anywhere but underneath him. (Yuck, huh?) Hell I didn't even know men had the capability to be NICE! Sigh...

He told me in no uncertain terms that it was unfair of me to make HIM pay for my ex's mistakes. At first I was defensive, but shortly after, his words started to make sense. He was right. It was unfair! I had no business asking someone to help me carry my suitcases full of lies, hurt, abuse, neglect. So I stopped dating. I took time off and worked on healing myself. (It worked, by the way. I grew. I learned. I changed. And I never forgot his words.)

Here I am now.. a complete person. A whole person. (For the first time in my life.) Yet every man I've met since has assumed I would help carry their crap. And there was a lot of it! One was afraid to commit because his last girlfriend got pregnant with another man's baby. He trusted no one. One didn't like that I giggled so much because he assumed I was laughing at him. (I can only assume he had a small penis or something to make that girl laugh at him..?) One believed nothing of what I said. One replied to every compliment I paid him with a roll of the eyes and a "yeah right." Basically.. it's not cool. It's not fun. As a matter of fact it is THE most unappealing, unattractive thing in the whole entire world. (Next to scummy teeth, stinky pits, and bad kissers.)

Now that I am on the "other side" of things, I feel bad for that one guy who had to dump me because I expected him to work in my suitcase-making factory. Now I feel like I need to let people know that they should not do this. Don't jump from one relationship to the next to the next dragging around all your shit!

The reality is: No one has time to help you unpack/unwind/move on. You gotta do it yourself. Why would you move into a mansion only to fill it with furniture from your trailer? Do you get my point here? Spread the word, okay? The damaged people walking the earth need to know this.

So before you try dating someone new... before you post that dating profile... before you start asking for extra hands... PLEASE take time. Heal. And please, please check your bags at the door...

I'm pretty sure the bellhop is off duty! (At least this one is...Sorry boys!)