Monday, September 30, 2013

it's not you, it's me

The moment you start to get what you want; the things you have hoped for, wished for, worked for... the very things you dream about, think about.. write about, is the same moment that you question if it is all something that you really want. What? That makes no sense.

How fucked up is that?! Literally hours.. days on end... hoping, wishing for that thing that is bound to make your life complete. You obsess about it, dream about it, think about it, write about it, talk about it.

Self sabotage is a mutha! Why do you do this to yourself? You cannot sit here and read this and not agree with me! It's just not possible. You have some sick, distorted doubts in your mind that the things you want, the things you hope for and wish for and think about and dream about, are not really capable of being held... Not by you. You are an idiot.

Okay sorry I called you an idiot. It's just.. the truth. The truth hurts.. So does getting exactly what you have thought about, dreamt about, worked for, wished for, & hoped for and then turning your back on it out of fear. How will you ever grow? How will you ever change? Succeed? Win? Ever...?

Seriously.. get your shit together.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

lie

just the facts, okay? I do not want to be lied to.
and if I say I do not want to be lied to
then I suppose that means I cannot lie to you.
it's not like I want to
but I can't show you all my cards, can I? what if I did? what if I told you my inner most thoughts.. without holding back.
could you handle that?

can you walk into my deep, dark places
where I don't recognize faces?
that place I can't avoid
when I'm paranoid
where I self destruct
and my cover-ups self-corrupt?

I need to tell you the truth, I do.
because I do not want to be lied to
and I suppose that means I cannot lie to you.

so I won't.

 

Monday, September 9, 2013

your life, their entertainment

You know what's funny about internet dating? Everything. Every damn thing is funny. Profiles are funny, pictures are funny.. and people. These people have lost their freakin' minds. It has become like a made for TV movie that we star in... for free.

The internet dating world is at its maximum capacity for harboring relationship refugees. The members are like zombies, moving from one victim to the next leaving regrets, destruction, and mangled hearts. Everyone is just the mask they wear... Normalcy does not exist here.

Fat people put up face shots taken at an angle, in the dark... with a filter. Fish face, close up smile...eyes only. Pictures of pets, and senior high school portraits.
Lonely people use exclamation points after everything. "I'm loving life! I love football! I hike on the weekends! I'll make you laugh!" "I'm so lonely!" "I have 10 cats!"

The desperate talk about their never ending search for 'the one'. How they love with everything they have from head to toe and will treat you like royalty if you just give them a chance... just a chance. Just one...
Players post half naked pictures of themselves with members of the opposite sex. There is always some caption about a best friend or relative... blah blah blah

Rejected people stalk, introverts don't show up, and extroverts serial date.
The religious want to pray for you, the creepy ones want to meet you in parking lots, and the "busy" ones (aka married)?! They never pick up your call, only answer back over text, and won't meet you anywhere.

Women will bitch til you're hitched and men fuck and duck.

What a confusing hot mess! What a ridiculous, perverted, form of entertainment.

I bet the person who created internet dating is sitting somewhere laughing his ass off.

Bravo


Friday, September 6, 2013

Manifestation: The Beginning

I started reading a book about manifestation last week. The basic principle is accepting that you have the power to have whatever you want.

Now, I believe this. I've done it on and off for many years. When I am "on" I am ON! I've manifested people, money, lotion for my feet... The hard part is stopping myself from thinking negatively. I am not joking when I tell you that my mind throws thousands of thoughts my way every hour; even while dreaming. 80% of these thousands of thoughts are negative!

"I'm fat. I'm ugly. No one loves me. I don't deserve good things. My hair is terrible. I feel bloated. I have no friends. I'm lonely." (Seriously I could go on but I think you get the point.) I have been successful at blocking or at least stopping these thoughts for the past 24 hours. It is hard! But every time those thoughts started forming I said to myself, "You are loved. You are love able. You are a writer. You no longer have to work for a business because you ARE your business. You are talented and amazing and fun!" (Again, I could go on but I think you get the point.)

So here I was... feeling like fucking Wonder Woman because I was using my super powers and shiny bracelets to block each bad thought. It feels good! I literally feel like I am on fire, figuratively of course. 

The book....The writer is funny, honest, and easy to follow. I was captivated at the first sentence! A few chapters in, she told me to think of a color of car, concentrate on it, then watch how many of them I see. Can I be honest with you? I laughed. A giggle really, but nevertheless.. a scoff/laugh... However, I was determined to give it a try. So I did. Operation red car in full effect.

Can you imagine the look on my face when I pulled onto the highway and got cut off by a red car?! Can you imagine the feeling when 1-5 in every 10 cars were fucking red?! I saw types of red vehicles that I have never even seen before. And I've been alive a long time! I saw an antique fire truck (huh?!), vans, semi's, pick up trucks, delivery trucks. I. Shit. You. Not.

I was freakin' stoked that the experiment worked! Part two of it was to think of butterflies. Butterflies. It's September here in Colorado. I have not seen one in months. But I still thought of them. All day long. I even wore a butterfly ring! What did I expect really.. I mean I am inside all day. Of course I am not going to see one. After work I stopped at a place where the Universe would have half a chance to produce this damn butterfly! The spot happened to be my step father's grave. I had been there once before; to sit, look at the mountain and think of him...the impressions he left on my mother, sister, & nephew. I mean this man was amazing! I stopped because I figured I'd pay my respects and try to see the butterfly. It was, after all, directly on my way home. Two birds with one stone, right?

I sat on the bench/marker and said out loud, "Okay, Universe! This is your chance! I am in a place where I can see a butterfly! Do your thing!"

Nothing happened for a good ten minutes. I kept sitting there thinking.. come on... COME ON! You can do it. Send me a butterfly. Prove to me the theory that thoughts become things! A dragonfly danced by. It did circles around the graveyard, and I sat there in awe. I mean yes, it was not an actual butterfly, but it was close. And I happen to love dragonflies more! I watched it until it flew out of site. I was admittedly disappointed a little bit. I really wanted the butterfly. I mean that would prove that all of this is true! That is what I thought about ALL day! Sigh...

I started walking to my car with my head down and noticed a grave stone a few feet away. Sitting on the back of the grave (yes the back) was a plastic butterfly decoration! I almost passed out!! The feeling that came over my body can only be described as electric. I tingled from head to toe staring at that butterfly with my mouth hanging open. Are you fucking kidding me right now? I even looked around for other people thinking I was being punked. There was no one around.

I ran to my car to get my phone to take a picture of it. I sent it to my mother and sister describing what just happened. I could barely type.. I was shaking. This was insane!! They were both blown away then my mother tells me that she, too, had asked the Universe for a sign of it's power. Again, head to toe chills. Was this it? I can say that yes, yes it was. Do you know what day it was? It was the day that would have been their 20 year anniversary. (Just so you know, I did not know this piece of information. I had no idea when her anniversary was.)

This morning I woke up still fascinated and awe-struck at the past few days. I used my Wonder Woman antics all morning. I was trying my best to radiate love. I envisioned it floating all around me and everyone that entered my mind in the form of hearts. I even wore a shirt with hearts all over it! (Yes I own butterfly rings and heart patterned shirts. I also have a clock purse but that is another story.) Love love love I kept thinking... Love. I am lovable. I am loved. You get love, you get love. Everyone gets love. LOVE!

I was taking the trash out when I got home and said hello to my neighbor Allison. We have lived next to each other for over 5 years. During this time I was under the impression that she hated me. Me and my dog Jada. You see, Jada is outside all day long and she gets riled up running along the fence. Allison's dogs are on the other side of that fence barking and running too. Allison is a stay at home mom with 2 small kids. I was sure she hated us, the noise!

I have said maybe 20 words to her in 5 years. Only random hello's and impersonal how are you's... Most of the time we completely ignore each other. But tonight... Tonight she started a conversation with me by asking if Jada got along with other dogs. Stunned at her voice, I told her judging by the way she is on the fence, I highly doubt it. But I wish she was.. hell I just wish I knew for sure. Jada can get feisty. This dog caught a bat mid-air once! But the truth is, Jada is a super gentle dog. I rescued her from the humane society a few years ago. She is a total love-bug!

She said she asked because she wanted to see if her dogs could play with Jada. She wanted them to meet because she thinks that Jada looks like such a nice dog. (Como say whaaaaaat?!) Can you believe it?! Anyway.. We chatted it up for a while and I accepted her invitation. I told her that she is welcome to come into my yard if Jada ever acts up. She invited me over with the other neighbors for drinks later. So cool. So so cool. The ice was broken. Instant thaw.

All I can think now (besides love love love) is... what is next?! What can I do now?! What I really want to do is quit my job and be a writer!

I can tell you this: I am not done with my manifesting. Not by a long shot! So I registered a trade name with the Colorado Secretary of State to sell my books under. Books that are not even on paper yet. Books that I have on my computer, in my mind.. in my heart. I have so much to say and so many ideas.
I posted the official document on my fridge. There is a check to myself from myself taped to it for a million dollars. The memo line says "Pocket change".    (I got it like that in 2014! Hello!)

Some may say that this sounds made up. Some may think that I am crazy.

But you see.. they didn't get cut off by that red car... they didn't see that butterfly. And they certainly don't have these shiny bracelets...